wai nah?

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The weird thing is when it happens you don't really focus on what has happened to you but him. " I went to far to provoke him", " I should make it up to him", " next time I will shut up when he looks angry"..nothing registers-damn he hit me. It happened to me once and I rationalized it alot- it only happened one time and it was a small slap on the mouth-if he really beat me I would leave, it was only a small push, but God forbid if he used me for a punching bag then I would really leave, and you find the line getting blurred.

Why he go cover ya fine mouth?

I was in an abusive relationship once a few years back and i can share my experience if that will help.
I was just out of college no job yet and i had the guy i had been dating while in school in naija, when i first met him, he had no job, no apartment of his own so he was squatting with his older brother, i usually bring food for him from my mum's store and i was doing everything possible to make him happy since i truly loved him. He eventually got a job in a travel agency, rapidly got promoted and he moved to his own 2 bedroom apartment, then he decided to bring his twin siblings [male & female] to live with him, i still went to his place to go cook and clean since i was still helping my mum out in her store, no job yet. One day i went over as usual for the weekend and while i was cooking, he was playing cards with his friends and drinking at the same time, the next thing i knew he came into the kitchen and started insulting me, i took it as the alcohol speaking so i never paid him any attention, the minute i turned my back he slammed my body into the iron gate and i felt my right hand snapped and i cannot explain the pain i felt, he never apologized just went back to playing cards with his buddies like nothing happened, i had to leave the apartment immediately and i went home, my shoulder was in a cast for 2 weeks, he never bothered to call or come to see how i was doing at home but since i was a sucker for punishment i went back to his house 3 weeks later for the weekend as usual and this time he threw me out at 12 midnight telling me he is expecting female visitors and he does not want them to meet me in his house, i almost got raped going home that night because there was no cab or bus operating at that time of the night so i had to walk home from Oke Ira to Akilo Road in Ogba, that was the last straw, there was nothing i was getting from this guy, no money, not even love so why was i going through all these? so i resolved to get out of the relationship. In the process I got born again and was very steadfast in my service to God, this guy came back 4 years later wanting to marry me but i refused because i knew he has not changed he was just under alot of pressure from his family to marry and he knew i was the only one who could put up with his nonsense then but since i refused his proposal, i told him to get one of his numerous girlfriends and marry them. Thank God i did that because he didn't know one of his current girlfriends was already pregnant for him, she had the baby and they eventually got married. I am happy for them but after going through all i went through with him, i could not imagine spending the rest of my life with that kind of person, he is a changed person now, an assistant pastor in his church but i have never regretted my decision.
so my advice to anyone in an abusive relationship be it physical or verbal please, please, as long as you are not married yet, get out but if you are married, don't aggravate the issue by responding anytime he/she says anything negative to you, just quietly walk away. I don't advice divorce but if your life is in danger it's better for you to run and not walk sometimes a little distance between you goes a long way in restoration, God willing or permanent separation, one does not need to die for nothing, who are you trying to prove a point to? You come first abeg.

This is a very sad story sweetie. I'm glad you were able to get far away from that guy..

A couple question though, why did you go back after the first time he assulted you? Since he never called or anything. Also did you tell your folks? Did you tell anyone?

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My Goodness. You say that man is an assistant pastor now? The devil in him is still there. I know under the right conditions and/or circumtances his wife will reveal a bunch of unspeakable filth. Sorry for your pains.

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He did something really stupid (as usual) and in my moment of rage I swore at him. Well, that landed me three slaps on my mouth and a warning never to repeat. It took a while to learn-but there is absolutely no reason for one to lay their hand on another person who is not in a parent-child relationship with them. I don't understand the concept of some men who think it is their duty to train their girlfriends/wives like their Father's did.

My sister, thank goodness you left. Who knows, you could have been in a casket had you not left. True words you just said right here.

So since it never happened again, are you saying YOU provoked him?

I don't think I provoked him, because who knows if it would have happened again. Some abuses don't occur continuously- they happen sporadically. But at that time when it happened I thought it was my fault. I went back after the hit; but that coupled with some other stuff made me leave.

I know it is a real cliche-but I don't think a real man/woman will be provoked into hitting the other.

I guess i was blinded by the so called love i thought i had for him, i was actually making excuses for his behavior thinking in time he will change but apparently he never did. Later he told me his friends were telling him i was not good enough for him and that was why he was maltreating me, thank God i left with my life though. I didn't tell anyone because i was so ashamed of what they will say, my mum would have killed him if i told her he was responsible for my shoulder being in a cast for 2 weeks, she couldn't figure out how i got hurt much as i tried to lie to her. He was just a sorry excuse for a man.

Thanks FM, he is an assistant pastor now but only his wife can truly say if he has changed or not and since i am no longer in naija, we lost contact when i crossed to the US, don't even know if he is still married now and sincerely i don't care.

are you saying casket that is if he didn't wake up one day to douse me with acid God forbid!!!!!!. I thank God for delivering me from that sorry excuse for a man o.

I am happy you were able to leave. Whether occasional or not, violence should never be condoned!

Concerning your last statement, it takes a lot of maturity and wisdom to overcome the urge to hit someone especially when you feel the pain inflicted on you can't be transmitted in a milder way.

There are different types of phyiscal abuse, verbal and even mental....but the damaging one of all is accepting it and somehow convincing yourself that you asked for it. To me, verbal abuse is more hurtful than physical....as there are some comments when voiced out, it stays with you for a very long time.....and therefore, makes the damage even worse to bear....no matter how forgiving one may be...if one cannot leave for her own sake, at least consider the environment you are raising your kids in...that is it okay for your son to treat women that way and even worse, teaching your daughter that it was ok to be treated this way.

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