My father in law is pissing me off. - Page 5 - Nigerian Movies & Nollywood on Naijarules.com

praizes2000 · #61 (**permalink**) 03-27-2008, 05:39 PM

My dear, pls handle God's way and get another TV inside your room.
It is well.

blackbutterfly · #62 (**permalink**) 03-27-2008, 06:15 PM

All these sentiments are great and I am totally there with all of you BUT having been around women who have just given birth especially new mothers....those sentiments don't have any room right this minute. These women are tired, harried and sometime a little overwhelm with their new responsibility and nobody wants anyone even well intentioned relatives hovering over them when they are just trying to pick their way through this new situation, crying baby, ton of baby clothes to wash, bottles to wash and sterilized, food shopping, dinner to prepare, bathroom/bedroom/kitchen/living room to clean up, husband to drop it hot for occasionally, social engagements to attend to with hubby/family members etc etc.

I am sure that Leggy loves and appreciates her in law but at the same time I can understand where she might be coming from - her child is only three months, I think...let the woman breath and get a grip on not just being a wife which she's got an handle on BUT being a mother which takes a moment to get used to for most folks.

I don't think it's that she doesn't want to man to come to her house period but I think it just boils down to - giving her some space - or at being given some advance notice or a call before Grandpa drops by for a visit that way she's prepared.

Just my own opinion on the matter, I am not saying anyone is wrong...just trying to expand the angles from which we can all review the matter.

Eee · #63 (**permalink**) 03-27-2008, 06:19 PM

Aww, you write so well BB?Nice

Is this from experience?

ddizzle · #64 (**permalink**) 03-27-2008, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blackbutterfly

All these sentiments are great and I am totally there with all of you BUT having been around women who have just given birth especially new mothers....those sentiments don't have any room right this minute. These women are tired, harried and sometime a little overwhelm with their new responsibility and nobody wants anyone even well intentioned relatives hovering over them when they are just trying to pick their way through this new situation, crying baby, ton of baby clothes to wash, bottles to wash and sterilized, food shopping, dinner to prepare, bathroom/bedroom/kitchen/living room to clean up, husband to drop it hot for occasionally, social engagements to attend to with hubby/family members etc etc.

I am sure that Leggy loves and appreciates her in law but at the same time I can understand where she might be coming from - her child is only three months, I think...let the woman breath and get a grip on not just being a wife which she's got an handle on BUT being a mother which takes a moment to get used to for most folks.

Just my own opinion on the matter, I am not saying anyone is wrong...just trying to expand the angles from which we can all review the matter.

Thus the suggestion of her and her husband pulling him aside and telling him what they feel...

Fine she needs her space everybody is entitled to that... she doesnt need to get worked up it is a situation that can be resolved with all parties sitting down for an old fashioned family meeting!

They do it till this day in my village and honestly it saves time and anger!

funmo · #65 (**permalink**) 03-27-2008, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ddizzle

Thus the suggestion of her and her husband pulling him aside and telling him what they feel...

Fine she needs her space everybody is entitled to that... she doesnt need to get worked up it is a situation that can be resolved with all parties sitting down for an old fashioned family meeting!

They do it till this day in my village and honestly it saves time and anger!

@BBfly : girl, u just spoke my mind. I was just going to post that!!

@DD : Its not so easy to talk to Nigerian adults like that. They do not hear please come less often. They will hear - we don't want you in our house. If he were the sensitive kind of guy, he would have given them their space long ago. We think about these things differently because of different experiences. Her father-in-law may be of the school where everyone lives on top of everyone (ago ile) kind of culture. Most people at home are not raised with any concept of privacy. I understand Leggy's frustration, and fear of dealing with it. It could all go horribly wrong. However, we should not minimize her problem and call it "love". Too much love can be choking.

Ricardo · #66 (**permalink**) 03-27-2008, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ddizzle

Thus the suggestion of her and her husband pulling him aside and telling him what they feel...

Fine she needs her space everybody is entitled to that... she doesnt need to get worked up it is a situation that can be resolved with all parties sitting down for an old fashioned family meeting!

They do it till this day in my village and honestly it saves time and anger!

There are certain issues that you just have to let them die naturally, and this is one of them. Any utterances about the old man's coming to the house could ignite an unquenchable fire in her life.

Atlakos · #67 (**permalink**) 03-27-2008, 06:54 PM

i was going to throw a lil humor

in here, but i think it may be wrong timing. I dont know how leggy will take it.

ddizzle · #68 (**permalink**) 03-27-2008, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ricardo

There are certain issues that you just have to let them die naturally, and this is one of them. Any utterances about the old man's coming to the house could ignite an unquenchable fire in her life.

True Ricardo...

Im for her just letting it quench sha...

@ funmo i feel you

sidney · #69 (**permalink**) 03-27-2008, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blackbutterfly

All these sentiments are great and I am totally there with all of you BUT having been around women who have just given birth especially new mothers....those sentiments don't have any room right this minute. These women are tired, harried and sometime a little overwhelm with their new responsibility and nobody wants anyone even well intentioned relatives hovering over them when they are just trying to pick their way through this new situation, crying baby, ton of baby clothes to wash, bottles to wash and sterilized, food shopping, dinner to prepare, bathroom/bedroom/kitchen/living room to clean up, husband to drop it hot for occasionally, social engagements to attend to with hubby/family members etc etc.

I am sure that Leggy loves and appreciates her in law but at the same time I can understand where she might be coming from - her child is only three months, I think...let the woman breath and get a grip on not just being a wife which she's got an handle on BUT being a mother which takes a moment to get used to for most folks.

I don't think it's that she doesn't want to man to come to her house period but I think it just boils down to - giving her some space - or at being given some advance notice or a call before Grandpa drops by for a visit that way she's prepared.

Just my own opinion on the matter, I am not saying anyone is wrong...just trying to expand the angles from which we can all review the matter.

This is a generalization that is not totally true, although I am sure, largely true for most women..

Please correct me if I am wrong but I take it from your post that you are not a mother. Well, I am a father who has been with a woman after birth of not one, but two children. She actually relished and wanted family around. Although, I must say her family. It was possibly because we lived so far away from extended family that their absence was real and missed...

And as a brother-in-law I experienced a situation where my brother's wife refused for our family to stay at their house after she had given birth. Her reason? EXACTLY what you wrote. She needed space and did not want extended family hovering over her. She was overwhelmed and needed space... And as God is my witness, she herself, later after dust had settled, apologized personally to the whole family. She said looking back on it she wished she had done things differently. Each person is different.

But therein lies the real point. Ddizzle was pointing out the temporary nature of life. And what we sometimes feel is some unbearable issue, in the wider scheme of things is nothing at all. And actually gets lost in dusts of memory.

It is said if you write down, in two separate list, all the things that are important to you and all the things you spend the most time on, they are actually inverted. We spend the most time of our lives on things we actually don't sincerely deem important in the wider scheme of our lives.

The sentiment of "I can't take it", "I need my space" is easy and comforting. The advise to look at this from a different perspective is the healthier and truly the better way to go in the long run of ones life.

Because no-one on their death bed, will say "Thank God I got my father-in-law out of the house..". But when he is no longer there, wish they had more time with him..... This possibilty of this is far greater than the former...

blackbutterfly · #70 (**permalink**) 03-27-2008, 09:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sidney

This is a generalization that is not totally true, although I am sure, largely true for most women..

Please correct me if I am wrong but I take it from your post that you are not a mother. Well, I am a father who has been with a woman after birth of not one, but two children. She actually relished and wanted family around. Although, I must say her family. It was possibly because we lived so far away from extended family that their absence was real and missed...

And as a brother-in-law I experienced a situation where my brother's wife refused for our family to stay at their house after she had given birth. Her reason? EXACTLY what you wrote. She needed space and did not want extended family hovering over her. She was overwhelmed and needed space... And as God is my witness, she herself, later after dust had settled, apologized personally to the whole family. She said looking back on it she wished she had done things differently. Each person is different.

But therein lies the real point. Ddizzle was pointing out the temporary nature of life. And what we sometimes feel is some unbearable issue, in the wider scheme of things is nothing at all. And actually gets lost in dusts of memory.

It is said if you write down, in two separate list, all the things that are important to you and all the things you spend the most time on, they are actually inverted. We spend the most time of our lives on things we actually don't sincerely deem important in the wider scheme of our lives.

The sentiment of "I can't take it", "I need my space" is easy and comforting. The advise to look at this from a different perspective is the healthier and truly the better way to go in the long run of ones life.

Because no-one on their death bed, will say "Thank God I got my father-in-law out of the house..". But when he is no longer there, wish they had more time with him..... This possibilty of this is far greater than the former...

My broz, I may not be anyone's mother but it doesn't mean I can't understand the situation or empathize. I don't think I have to be a mother to understand how it feels sometimes to be overwhelmed and just needing to work it out myself before anyone offers their well intentioned help. Everyone handles theirs differently....everyone's tolerance is different. You worked yours out differently and your sister in laws may have back fired on her, I think it's all in how it is handled. I stand by my "generalization"...people even if it's a small family unit or large don't want people hovering around them all the time. Human beings like their space whether for 5 mins, 1day etc. Even husbands and wives give each other a break by doing something with their friends now and again...It is all in how the matter is handled. I had already suggested that she should sit down with her husband and discuss the matter or have a heart to heart with her mother in law explaining that though she appreciates the visits, could it be timed differently etc etc. I understand that family chipping in in this kinds of situation is very very helpful but her choice is being taken away. It is her home too and she should be able to be free and she should be able to choose when she wants or does not want visitors even if it's family. I know her father in law means no harm and I'm sure she knows that deep in her heart but right now that might not be the best thing for her, for her personality type.

Peacefully speaking
Bfly

funmo · #71 (**permalink**) 03-27-2008, 10:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sidney

This is a generalization that is not totally true, although I am sure, largely true for most women..

Please correct me if I am wrong but I take it from your post that you are not a mother. Well, I am a father who has been with a woman after birth of not one, but two children. She actually relished and wanted family around. Although, I must say her family. It was possibly because we lived so far away from extended family that their absence was real and missed...

And as a brother-in-law I experienced a situation where my brother's wife refused for our family to stay at their house after she had given birth. Her reason? EXACTLY what you wrote. She needed space and did not want extended family hovering over her. She was overwhelmed and needed space... And as God is my witness, she herself, later after dust had settled, apologized personally to the whole family. She said looking back on it she wished she had done things differently. Each person is different.

But therein lies the real point. Ddizzle was pointing out the temporary nature of life. And what we sometimes feel is some unbearable issue, in the wider scheme of things is nothing at all. And actually gets lost in dusts of memory.

It is said if you write down, in two separate list, all the things that are important to you and all the things you spend the most time on, they are actually inverted. We spend the most time of our lives on things we actually don't sincerely deem important in the wider scheme of our lives.

The sentiment of "I can't take it", "I need my space" is easy and comforting. The advise to look at this from a different perspective is the healthier and truly the better way to go in the long run of ones life.

Because no-one on their death bed, will say "Thank God I got my father-in-law out of the house..". But when he is no longer there, wish they had more time with him..... This possibilty of this is far greater than the former...

That is true, but there is something else though. It depends on the relatives and what they come for. One of my friends just had a baby, and her mother in law came to help. I said "wonderful. That should help you out a lot". You know what she told me? She said I don't want her here. I said why? Because she does not help. I have to watch her, watch my first daugher, and watch the new baby. She will not raise a finger to help. I visited while mama was there. She was not a bad woman, did not make trouble, but she did nothing. Nothing. When food was ready, she came to eat. Took care of herself and not much else.

Point is Sidney, You make a great case, BUT it depends on the relationship you have with the relatives. If you have relatives who will come and help and make your life easier, its different. But if the relationship is poor, or they just came to add to your stress, then its hard. Its good for character development, but when you go to bed angry, stressed and unhappy everyday, then........

Summary : Answer is it depends. It really depends on the inlaws and what they bring to the house. From what she says, it does not sound like papa is doing anything wrong, except she has to watch her baby, feed her husband, and serve him too. You know how formal our relationships are back home. You have to be on your guard all the time, watching what you say, how you cook, who visits you, etc, etc. Its exhausting. I get her sha.

ddizzle · #72 (**permalink**) 03-27-2008, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sidney

This is a generalization that is not totally true, although I am sure, largely true for most women..

Please correct me if I am wrong but I take it from your post that you are not a mother. Well, I am a father who has been with a woman after birth of not one, but two children. She actually relished and wanted family around. Although, I must say her family. It was possibly because we lived so far away from extended family that their absence was real and missed...

And as a brother-in-law I experienced a situation where my brother's wife refused for our family to stay at their house after she had given birth. Her reason? EXACTLY what you wrote. She needed space and did not want extended family hovering over her. She was overwhelmed and needed space... And as God is my witness, she herself, later after dust had settled, apologized personally to the whole family. She said looking back on it she wished she had done things differently. Each person is different.

But therein lies the real point. Ddizzle was pointing out the temporary nature of life. And what we sometimes feel is some unbearable issue, in the wider scheme of things is nothing at all. And actually gets lost in dusts of memory.

It is said if you write down, in two separate list, all the things that are important to you and all the things you spend the most time on, they are actually inverted. We spend the most time of our lives on things we actually don't sincerely deem important in the wider scheme of our lives.

The sentiment of "I can't take it", "I need my space" is easy and comforting. The advise to look at this from a different perspective is the healthier and truly the better way to go in the long run of ones life.

Because no-one on their death bed, will say "Thank God I got my father-in-law out of the house..". But when he is no longer there, wish they had more time with him..... This possibilty of this is far greater than the former...

And you say I have Wisdom?....

Candylecious · #73 (**permalink**) 03-28-2008, 02:25 AM

The problem with most Nigerians is, we have no boundaries; we werent really raised with them, so a lot of us know no better.......People walk in and out of your life all willy nilly, and if you let them, they will walk all over you....

Granted, yes he is retired and probably bored and needs to spend time with his grandchild and family; but when it begins to cross a line; whatever line, then it becomes an issue. All that nobody knows tomorrow reasoning is a guilt trip right there. Nobody should feel guilty for wanting some solitude and space, Nobody!!, and the icing on the cake is, It is your own bloody house, where the fact that you pay the bills up in that hizzle has given you to express right to dominate, to run around naked chewing on now and laters for all you care!.............And therein lies the problem. Most Nigerians (I keep using most, cos I dont want the generalization crusade on my tail), we dont recognize lines much less caring about crossing them. We do actually notice that we make other people uncomfortable, but heck!, if we are okay, then who cares........Cos that man will not tell me he is not noticing the restless pacing from one room to the other; He cant tell me that he does not notice that Leggy, who obviously has shows she watches on tv, doesnt even watch tv anymore...........Someone thinking sensibly would say...Why is that? and then Ooooh! could be cos she doesnt watch the same things I do and go okay, my daughter, which channel would you like to watch......Even if she says, no papa, I am good!.........at least the fact that he thought to ask will count for so freaking much!............

You cant just jump into someone's car and comandeer the race without their permission just because you know they have too much respect and are somewhat intimidated by you. That is not fair period!........Naija we can sabi how to abuse respect....and people wonder why I no send anybodi!....

And folks here keep sprouting the "sit em down" approach......I no know the kind of Nigerian adults you know, but the kind I know go for don begin take offence from the time wey the sit down begin, even before dem hear the topic first.....To them, older ones are always right; I bet you, for them, the moral of the sitdown go be, my daughter in law does not want me in my son's house

Also, people here are saying her stance is somewhat trivial; and they could be right, but we have to understand that we are all wired different; trivial to one person may mean extremely important to the next person, I have since learned not to make that call for people. That is why I feel, that even if "Papa" was lonely and needed to spend time with his family, he should have called this young family together and talked over it with them and listened to their own takes on it and how it would affect their respective lives esp the new mother seeing that she was home the most, and if they agreed to him "almost moving in" with them, then fine, they can work it out, or else they could also work it where both parties wont end up so hot and bothered.........But that one na supposing sey communication dey the agenda!!

Honestly, Leggy as you don agree to let him reside with you based on "nobody knows tomorrow", then the issue has been mitigated.......which in any case is also good, cos I think you are in murky waters with this one, and any other approach might have led to unfavorable results.....

My own be sey, I dare the mothersucker who will come in between me and my tv......I am daring that person to shege!..........You can finish my food oh, swing from my ceiling fan; whateva!........but for ya hand to touch my remote, and to make marras worse, I dey house fulltime.......na dat time, we go begin tear pant na!

Sifu · #74 (**permalink**) 03-28-2008, 09:25 AM

Candy I will talk to you again after you are married.

If it was this easy Leggy will not be so frustrated about it. Remember he is like her father now. This is not sister in law or brother in law. He is for all intents and purposes her daddy. And the old man cares. He came with the intention of helping with the baby. How many grandpas (nigerian) wil even say that. He just got sidetracked by the TV. Hehehehehe. I feel Leggy's pain but she needs to be careful.