No Surprises Please
Pastor Bimbo Odukoya
The year, 2000, is one that Emeka will never forget. It marked the end of one phase of his life and the beginning of another. Both phases had to do with relationships he was involved in. Seven years earlier, Emeka began dating Toyin, a lady he met while on campus. After dating for about three years, they decided to get married. Neither of them foresaw any problem as their relationship was known to their families and there had never been any resistance to it. It was, therefore, a great shock when Toyin's father opposed their marriage plans because they were from different tribes, and this was more disturbing because it wasn't something that could be changed. After four years of unsuccessfully trying to change her father's attitude, Toyin and Emeka parted ways early in 2000.
Sometime in July 2000, Emeka paid a visit to an older friend, Nnamdi, who he regarded as a spiritual mentor. Emeka had known Nnamdi for over 10 years and he trusted and respected him. The visit was at Nnamdi's invitation. He told Emeka that he wanted to introduce him to one of his nieces, Chidinma, as God had revealed to him while praying for the two of them, and that they were meant for each other. Emeka was not even thinking of a relationship; so, he was caught off guard. But after listening to Nnamdi and convinced that he had his best interests at heart, Emeka decided to get in touch with Chidinma. He got her number from Nnamdi and gave her a call a few days later. From that call, Emeka got a good impression of Chidinma. They spoke a few more times before their first date, a week later. The date was nice one. A month later, Emeka and Chidinma officially became a couple and he informed Nnamdi who was quite happy at the news.
As their relationship progressed, Emeka grew more affectionate towards Chidinma; she really was not like Toyin. While Toyin found it hard to express her feelings and never gave Emeka a gift during their seven years together, though he constantly showered her with gifts and often told her that he loved her, Chidinma, on the other hand, wrote him poems and sent him romantic cards.
Three months into their relationship, Nnamdi again called Emeka. Using the incident with Toyin as reference, he advised him against a long courtship and also said that God had told him to foot the bills for Emeka and Chidinma's wedding. Caught up in the euphoria of Chidinma's love and Nnamdi's offered financial help, Emeka decided to get married within the next two months. Shortly afterwards, Nnamdi and Chidinma went to the village to see his parents. Though they were warmly received, his parents were uncomfortable about the rush to get married. They wanted time to investigate Chidinma's character and family background before giving their consent but Emeka assured them that she was a good girl and since she was Nnamdi's niece, his parents backed down, reluctantly gave their consent and began preparing for a wedding which was to take place in a month's time.
About two weeks to the wedding, Emeka and one of his sisters were talking about the wedding preparations and she asked if Emeka and Chidinma had done blood and pregnancy tests. He told her that they hadn't done any test as they were not required to do so in the church where they were getting married. His sister advised that they still take the tests just "to be on the safer side." When Emeka suggested it to Chidinma, she told him her blood type and said the other tests were not necessary, as they had not had sexual intercourse. But when Emeka insisted, she reported to Nnamdi. Two days later, Nnamdi called Emeka and expressed his displeasure at the fact that Emeka apparently did not trust Chidinma even though she had never given him any reason not to and also because though he had "started in the spirit," Emeka now wanted to "end in the flesh." Nnamdi said that since their marriage was God's will, Emeka had no need for any tests; he said that
God would never give him someone evil and at that point Emeka apologised and gave up on the tests. In December 2000, Emeka and Chidinma got married and three months later, his world came crashing down.
A few weeks after their wedding, Chidinma began falling ill repeatedly. Based on the symptoms, Emeka felt she had malaria and so he bought drugs for her to use. When the symptoms persisted and she also started developing rashes and sores on her body in addition to disturbing weight loss, Emeka insisted that she sees a doctor. At the hospital, Chidinma had to have a blood test. When they went back for the results, Emeka was told to also have a blood test because Chidinma's result revealed that she was HIV+. Emeka could not believe his ears but when prodded by the doctor, he recalled that he had once discharged some pus from his penis but when it never recurred, he had forgotten all about it. When Emeka's result came out, he was also HIV+. Emeka was devastated and he immediately recalled his sister's advice about going for a blood test before the wedding. He then called Nnamdi and told him all that had happened; Nnamdi did not say a word.
Emeka comes from a polygamous home and he says that one sure way to locate his father's house in the village was just to ask for the man that likes beating his wives in public. This made Emeka decide from his youth never to have more than one wife. It also informed his decision to stand by Chidinma when he found out that she became HIV+ because she had had a rough past. Though he was deeply pained, he did not castigate his wife. He just began focusing on the way forward for them. They took the advice of the doctor and started receiving treatment. Emeka never told anyone, aside Nnamdi, all that had happened.
However, Chidinma became his albatross. It seemed that immediately she realised that her 'secret' was out, she decided to show her true colours; she became rude, stopped cooking and cleaning the house, and no longer informed him of her movements. Her attitude became a constant source of friction in their home. Nnamdi also stopped picking Emeka's calls; so, there was no one for him to turn to. His home was no longer a refuge for him but he was willing to work at his marriage. This went on for five months and then one day, Emeka and Chidinma had another fight and she began insulting him. As she spoke, she said that her HIV status was known to her family and Nnamdi and that she had only married him because they wanted her off their hands. She also said it was his fault he got infected as he should have taken his sister's advice and insisted on the blood tests before their marriage. She then started laughing as she ridiculed his love for her. Emeka was embarrassed and at a loss for words. He decided that his marriage was over. A week later, on their way back from an outing, he drove straight to her parents' house and dropped her off; that was the last time Emeka saw Chidinma.
Comments
Marriage is meant to be a lifelong relationship and it is an institution, which requires a lot of patience, kindness and willingness by both husband and wife to always forgive and forget all wrongs. It is no child's play and this is why we must be careful about the person we choose to enter this relationship with. The person is crucial to the success or failure of your marriage. That choice is so important that it should not be based on emotions (they are fickle)or appearances. Have you ever wondered why our ancestors had good marriages even though most of the marriages were arranged? It is for the simple fact that marriage partners were chosen based on their personal character traits and family backgrounds. Emotions did not play a major role in the decision-making process. They took time to separate the wheat from the chaff but now, we put more emphasis on our feelings and neglect to do the needful thing - study the person and make independent enquiries into his or her character. It was this, which led to Emeka's pathetic experience.
The sole reason for courtship is to determine if the person you want to marry is right for you. A courtship is successful when both parties are committed to being honest with each other, even if it means that they might end up not getting married. It was this honesty and openness that was missing in Emeka and Chidinma's courtship. Chidinma knew she was HIV+ and she chose to hide this vital information from Emeka. However, it was Emeka's responsibility to find out all he could about the woman he was about to marry. When people want something from you, it is natural that they would put their best foot forward so as to gain your favour but you must be willing to dig deeper than the surface before committing yourself. This is a principle practised by successful businessmen because their assets, time and energy are at stake. So, why give less attention when your life and the future of your children are at stake?
It is to save many singles much unnecessary pain that most churches insist on parental consent and medical tests for those desiring to get married. It is rare to find parents who do not wish their children the best. Medical tests are advised to prevent nasty surprises in future. If you have a medical condition, it is better to disclose it. If the person is still willing to marry you, you are assured of his or her support whenever you need it. If the person chooses to go, it is to your advantage - you are assured that you will not be abandoned in a time of need. You have absolutely nothing to lose by doing your homework. Emeka is now HIV+ because he resisted his parents' call for caution and his sister's counsel to have the medicals done; the truth is that he needed not have gone through all that heartbreak if he had been wiser.
God is the believers' final authority. He has given us pastors, teachers, prophets etc to help us in our Christian growth but they are by no means, our intermediaries with God; Jesus is the only intermediary. The Berian Christians were commended because after Paul taught them, they went back home and searched through the scriptures to see if what he had told them were true. When a minister tells you something "from God," please go back to your prayer closet and talk to your God. Let the Holy Spirit give you a confirmation. If ever a "man of God" tries to manipulate you into doing what he wants, like Nnamdi did to Emeka when he wanted to go for the medical tests, please be careful. Manipulation is sin; man was given dominion over animals, not over other men.
Life is really not difficult when we commit our lives to God. He is always just a whisper away. Please develop a habit of praying before taking both minor and major decisions in life. You can never go wrong with God. If you are yet to develop a relationship with God, I invite you to make the ONE decision that you will never regret - the decision to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and saviour. His is the only love worth seeking. To accept him, please say this prayer: Dear heavenly Father, I come to you today and ask you to forgive my sins. I believe in my heart that Jesus Christ is the son of God. I believe that he was raised from the dead for my justification and I confess him now as my Lord and saviour. Thank you for saving me. Amen!
IF THIS ARTICLE TOUCHED YOUR HEART, YOU MIGHT WANT TO TALK TO ANY OF OUR PBO FOUNDATION COUNSELLORS BY CONTACTING, The Fountain of Life Church on 01-8980183/5
or 08035800201. E-mail:
pastor@tfolc.org. You may also visit our website at tfolc.org
culled from saturday independent
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