Inspired by a True Love Story.

“I just ended a four year relationship” he-man announced with a melancholic mien in his voice, “and I feel good about it”

“Why?” I asked

“It just wasn’t working,” he said, “we ought to have ended this a long time ago. We were two different people, from two different worlds”

“Okay. That’s good” I smirked, “But how does the second party feel about this break-up?”

“She feels like she was used all through the four years”

“Hmm” I mused aloud, twisting my beards like a true wise man, “and does she have a justifiable reason for feeling used?”

His eyes lit up, as he began his explanation.

“She has no reason to feel used,” he barked, “she put herself in a position where she could feel used”

“Okay” I said, “you said earlier that you guys were from different worlds, do you mind telling me what your major differences were?”

He began: “She always wants us to do things that I can’t afford, knowing fully well that I can’t afford such things at the moment due to the recent irregularities with my paycheck”

“So, you’re broke, but instead of understanding she continues to be unreasonably demanding?” I asked

“No…no…no…” He interjected, “You know how it is, she wants us to go to the movies, hang out at the beach, go clubbing, and all that. She wants me to spend time with her when she lives faraway on the Island, while I live on the mainland. And when I’m broke I can’t do all these things…I don’t even have a car but she does!”

“Hey…hold on” I cut in, trying desperately to read his tone of voice to see where all that bitterness was coming from, “Can I assume I’m sensing some masochist frustration here? You still haven’t told me why you think she put her self in a position where she could feel used?”

“You see, the truth is that I was the first guy she ever had sex with…”
“Aw aw, that’s a new twist” I interjected.

“And she was twenty-five when that happened…” he paused reflectively
“Now, that’s crazy” I couldn’t help but exclaim, I tried very hard not to sound cynical or sarcastic in my trademark manner, “but go on, give me a little background info on this female” I urged him.

“The problem is she is a lawyer. She schooled in the United States. She works with an American company. Her job pays her very well. She lives in a posh apartment. And she feels I don’t like spending time with her”

“It doesn’t add up for me” I confessed, “do you mind explaining”

“You see, whenever I’m broke, she wants us to go to the cinema, when she knows I can’t afford it. But then she tells me it’s alright, that she has the money to pay. Then she wants me to come see her on the island, and when I tell her I can’t afford to take a cab, she says it’s alright; she’ll pay for the cab when I get to her place. If I try to avoid these scenarios, she begins to whine about me avoiding her, and not interested in spending time with her. She invents these wild theories about me getting tired of her, and using finances as an excuse to lay her off. She just does not understand…”

“But why do you find it difficult to oblige her requests?”

“I was raised to have integrity and pride as a man,” he began, “I can’t let a woman spend her money on me. It’s embarrassing, especially the way she goes about it when we’re in public”

“Hmm” I remarked, “I can smell some egotistical rebellion in the air”

“It has nothing to do with the ego” he rebuked me, “Imagine this. One day she drove down to my place, and insisted we go see a movie at the cinema. I was broke, and I tried to avoid her, but she nagged and nagged, complaining that I just didn’t want to go out with her even when she had convinced me she was going to pay for everything…she just does not understand…”

“So, you didn’t go to the cinema with because she offered to pay?”

“Initially I protested, but I finally succumbed and went with her. When we got to the cinema, the movie we wanted to see had sold out. So while she was at the counter buying the tickets, I was at the magazine stand browsing through some magazines. Suddenly she screamed, ‘what movie do you want to see?’ and I answered ‘any one’, but somehow that pissed her off, so she just bought her own ticket, walked up to me, in the full glare of the public and slammed N1, 500 on the table in front me, saying, ‘when you’re ready, buy the ticket to the movie you wish to see’ and she waltzed out. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I felt people were just staring at me like I was some puppet she could pull with the strings of her money”

I got the message now.

“You know what, this girl really loves you” I told him

“I know she does” he confessed

“And you may be too proud to admit that you’re still in love with her…” I told him, looking him straight in the eye, “The problem with your failed relationship had more to do with your pride rather than your girlfriend’s nagging. You need to admit that you’ve been myopic and unnecessarily masochistic about your relationship with her…”

So, what you’re saying is that I’m at fault” he questioned

“Not necessarily you, but your ego. The lady you’ve just described to me is a sophisticated, responsible, and well-educated woman who believes that in the 21st century men and women are supposed to be seen as equals. She’s a firm believer in the equality of the sexes. And obviously she wasn’t dating you for your money- because you don’t have any. She was in love with you, and was just hoping you could get to accept the fact that all she wanted was to be treated like an equal- like a friend, like a buddy. She wanted to feel loved! Fight with her, and later have make-up sex. Crazy like that. But the defense your masochist ego has created to justify your demeaning break-up with this lovely lady is that she is trying to use her money and societal status as a leveraging platform to keep your masculine excesses and pride in check. What you’re trying to posit is that she enjoys it when your broke, so she can do the spending, thereby emasculating your ego.

However, I think there’s nothing that communication cannot solve. Sit her down, and have a heart-to-heart discussion with her- tell her that you are always embarrassed whenever she gets to pay for your stuff in public. Discuss with her; see if she will be comfortable with letting you handle her ‘purse’ when you guys are out together. By this, I mean, maybe she could give you the money, and let you do the payments when necessary”

“Now, you’re making me feel stupid” he whispered calmly, “Should I call her and apologize?”

“Good thinking” I said with a smile, “True love is a very expensive commodity to sacrifice on the altar of a super-sized ego. Good luck….and yes, you can use my phone”

--© James Amuta 2008.

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..To the one who spoke and the galaxies leapt into existence....who can't be explained on a chalkboard but can be accessed through faith in the finished work of Jesus Christ.....whose word never returns to him void but accomplishes the purpose for which it is sent.....the one in whom I am complete.....the great I am...who was,who is and who is to come....
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