End of the Road: A Script

[mulan]

Gladys wasn't sure when she missed the way. According to the address on the sketchy directions she had, she had been walking on the right road. Then suddenly, she turned around and realised that she was lost. The buildings around her looked strange and deserted. She was going to her auntie's house in Victoria Island, and she had never been there before. Her aunt had asked her to come and stay at her house for some months. The older lady had written that she was feeling lonely since her last daughter had left home to join her husband and start work in Abuja. Gladys was surprised at the request, as it was coming from an aunt who had not written or called Gladys or her family for over 15 years.

Gladys was the first and only daughter of her parents, and since her father's death, she lived with her other and three younger brothers in a two bedroom flat in a low cost housing estate in Enugu. She shared a room with her mum and the boys shared the other one. Gladys had travelled by the night bus and arrived in Lagos early in the morning. She had been lucky to get accurate directions from some people at the station on the bus to get to the island. On reaching the last stop, the route had seemed clear enough but now the houses around her looked strange and a bit frightening. She wrapped her arms around her body and shivered. Looking at the sketchily drawn map, she tried to find her way to the right street. Her mind went back to what her mother had said as she had drawn the map, just before leaving Enugu.


**********


What a way to start the week, Edward thought as he looked unseeing out of the large windows before him. It was a Monday, and throughout that day, he had not been able to take his mind off the girl he had seen that morning on the way to the office. She was so beautiful and innocent looking, though he hadn't thought of that when he had first seen her. He had felt suspicious of her story of being stranded and lost in Victoria Island of all places. However, it had turned out that she was telling the truth, and was indeed going to her aunt's house.

He knew that he had behaved a bit boorishly towards her, and yet he hadn't been able to behave any differently. That had been his way of ensuring that he didn't stare at her as he would have wanted. Still, the few minutes he had looked at her seemed to have imprinted her on his heart. The way her nose turned up just so; the way her eyelids drooped over her large eyes; the wonder in her gaze as she had admired the car; the way her skirt had ridden up just so to reveal shapely knees, and the other shapely curves too.

Get hold of yourself, man, he muttered to himself, hitting his head lightly with an open palm. Just then, his secretary entered the office at that moment and looked at him curiously.

"Sir, Mr. Odusote is here to see you."

"Tell him to come in", Edward told her, pretending a fascination with the papers before him, and refusing to meet her eyes.

Mr. Odusote was someone he actually did not want to meet. The man had come into the office the previous week with a recommendation from a friend of his. He had a proposal for a business which he wanted them to embark on together, but Edward had not been impressed. He had asked the man to come back so that he could have some time to give a second thought to the deal before making up his mind.

"Good day, Edward," Mr. Odusote greeted, striding confidently into the room.

"How do you do?" replied Edward, standing up to shake his hand.

"All is fine with me," his visitor replied, sitting down and adjusting his bulk in the seat. "Have you thought about what we discussed last week?"

"Yes I have, but you called and said that you had more information."

"Yes I did, and that is why I am here." Mr. Odusote placed a sheaf of papers on the desk, and went into details of the business proposal in light of the new information. Halfway through the discussion, Edward's attention drifted off.

"Are you actually listening to me?" the man groused.

"Go on", Edward replied absent-mindedly.

"This is the financial outlook, and it's very important", Mr. Odusote replied in an irritated voice.

"OK, OK, I'm all ears", Edward soothed, trying to pay full attention to the man's words.

Mr. Odusote concluded his spiel, and to Edward's relief left soon afterwards when he got a call on his mobile. By the end of the day, Edward had made up his mind. One of his life's policies was that he went after anything that he wanted, and as luck would have it, he usually got them. He knew he wanted that girl.


**********

[takestyle]

This is not a script.

[rudeboy]

Slow down, TS. I think it's a manuSCRIPT. He/She even said: Chapter 1. The writer needs to be encouraged and not to shouted down like that, abeg o!

[elisawwf007]

Rudeboy thank you. This is just a manuscript. it can be turned into a script. Not many people can write screen plays. I think mulan is doing well. Next chapter please!!!!

[Thickmadam]

Chapter 2 please please pretty please.

I can't wait to read chapter 2, and i don't trust that aunty.

[takestyle]

As I have said a million times, screenwriting is not all about STORY... FORM is as important as (in some ways even more important than) content.

If someone presents me with something described as a "screenplay" as it is a prose story, I won't even read it. If it's a short story or a novel, then call it that... Don't tell me it's a screenplay and then show me something else.

And while different people have different ways of working, I really don't advise writing it out as a prose "manuscript" first.

Hate to be a bummer, but I keep it real.

[oloje]

Mulan biko next chapter please, like it very much.

[takestyle]

Okay... In order to be more constructive so that it doesn't seem like I'm just "shouting down" the writer, let me ask some questions here.

Is this story FILMABLE? What makes it a script or even a treatment for a script? Let's look at it:

Gladys wasn't sure when she missed the way. According to the address on the sketchy directions she had, she had been walking on the right road. Then suddenly, she turned around and realised that she was lost. The buildings around her looked strange and deserted. She was going to her auntie's house in Victoria Island, and she had never been there before. Her aunt had asked her to come and stay at her house for some months. The older lady had written that she was feeling lonely since her last daughter had left home to join her husband and start work in Abuja. Gladys was surprised at the request, as it was coming from an aunt who had not written or called Gladys or her family for over 15 years.

Gladys was the first and only daughter of her parents, and since her father's death, she lived with her other and three younger brothers in a two bedroom flat in a low cost housing estate in Enugu. She shared a room with her mum and the boys shared the other one. Gladys had travelled by the night bus and arrived in Lagos early in the morning. She had been lucky to get accurate directions from some people at the station on the bus to get to the island. On reaching the last stop, the route had seemed clear enough but now the houses around her looked strange and a bit frightening. She wrapped her arms around her body and shivered. Looking at the sketchily drawn map, she tried to find her way to the right street. Her mind went back to what her mother had said as she had drawn the map, just before leaving Enugu.

How do you film all this stuff?

Or this?

What a way to start the week, Edward thought as he looked unseeing out of the large windows before him. It was a Monday, and throughout that day, he had not been able to take his mind off the girl he had seen that morning on the way to the office. She was so beautiful and innocent looking, though he hadn't thought of that when he had first seen her. He had felt suspicious of her story of being stranded and lost in Victoria Island of all places. However, it had turned out that she was telling the truth, and was indeed going to her aunt's house.

He knew that he had behaved a bit boorishly towards her, and yet he hadn't been able to behave any differently. That had been his way of ensuring that he didn't stare at her as he would have wanted. Still, the few minutes he had looked at her seemed to have imprinted her on his heart. The way her nose turned up just so; the way her eyelids drooped over her large eyes; the wonder in her gaze as she had admired the car; the way her skirt had ridden up just so to reveal shapely knees, and the other shapely curves too.

Get hold of yourself, man, he muttered to himself, hitting his head lightly with an open palm. Just then, his secretary entered the office at that moment and looked at him curiously.

You have to remember that a screenplay is more than just a story. It is a technical document that acts as a blueprint for the filming of a movie. It lays out in very direct terms how a movie will be shot.

As such, it must be focused on ACTION. You have a lot of internalization here... A lot of exploration of characters' inner thoughts, which is useless in a screenplay because we can't SEE the inner thoughts. So how do you FILM them?

I think you need to ask yourself whether you actually want to write a screenplay or a novel.

FORM is important!

[Thickmadam]

ts, maybe h/she meant script, as in, script for a novel?
i don't know.
i'm thinking this is a short story?? and not a film script?

[takestyle]

ts, maybe h/she meant script, as in, script for a novel?
i don't know.
i'm thinking this is a short story?? and not a film script?

If that's the case, the writer should have been clearer in his/her intent.

I mean, I know I am coming off as anal, but it is important for an artist to make their intent clear, as your intent ends up defining the way your art is received.

For example, if I show you a scene where a guy slips on a banana peel and cracks his head on the ground, the audience's reaction will be different if they think it's supposed to be a comedy (they laugh) or if they think it's supposed to be serious (they're horrified).

[Thickmadam]

If that's the case, the writer should have been clearer in his/her intent.

I mean, I know I am coming off as anal, but it is important for an artist to make their intent clear, as your intent ends up defining the way your art is received.

For example, if I show you a scene where a guy slips on a banana peel and cracks his head on the ground, the audience's reaction will be different if they think it's supposed to be a comedy (they laugh) or if they think it's supposed to be serious (they're horrified).

totally get your point, we'll wait for clarification then.

p.s.
i don't know if it this makes sense but as soon as i started reading this, the word "Pacesetters" jumped into my head!

[vince]

The use of the word "script" is misleading.The threadstarter should have been a bit clearer on the format used.I opened this thread thinking i was going to be reading a script and not a prose...
Good read, all the same.

[Thickmadam]

The use of the word "script" is misleading.The threadstarter should have been a bit clearer on the format used.I opened this thread thinking i was going to be reading a script and not a prose...
Good read, all the same.

Blood of Jesus! you agree with TS?
it's going to be a great day.

[takestyle]

Blood of Jesus! you agree with TS?
it's going to be a great day.

[vince]

It is not meant to be an agreement with anybody,TM.I am merely stating my own observation independent of anybody else's view.
You have just fed his ego with this post of yours.Now he is having orgasms...

Blood of Jesus! you agree with TS?
it's going to be a great day.