THE AMBASSADOR


My Dear President Yar'Adua,

Ranka dede sir. Saanu da aiki sir. I hope this letter finds you well.
If so, doxology. I am constrained to write urgently to intimate you
with the frustrating conditions I've had to contend with since I
assumed duties as Nigeria 's Ambassador to the Republic of South Africa
. You will recall, sir, that I had serious misgivings about being
posted to this place but you reassured me that things would work out
insha Allah. I must regretfully inform you, sir, that you were wrong.
This place is hell and I don't know what I am doing here. The ways of
the South Africans are indeed very strange.

The first serious signals of South Africa 's backwardness and
dysfunctionality became apparent when I landed at the airport in
Johannesburg . I was profoundly shocked to discover that only two
official vehicles from the Nigerian embassy and three embassy staff
were on hand to receive me. This was a serious breach of protocol. When
was the last time I moved in anything less than a motorcade of twenty
five cars, heralded by AK-47-wielding soldiers and koboko-swishing
mobile policemen sweeping civilians out of my way? I felt naked, empty,
and vulnerable. I felt betrayed by those embassy boys who appeared to
have forgotten how we handle matters of protocol for people of my
standing in Nigeria . Obviously, I wasn't going to subject myself to
the indignity of leaving the airport in a 'motorcade' of two miserable
embassy vehicles. I sat put and told the boys to organize. They finally
found a solution by renting five cars from the Avis car rental outlet
to bring the tally of vehicles to seven.

Needless to say your Excellency, I had to 'manage' a convoy of only
seven cars. Without siren! As if this outrage weren't enough, we had
barely made it out of the airport when we found ourselves in one of
Johannesburg 's notorious traffic jams. Again, our boys from the
embassy had no idea what to do - when we post these boys out, we must
insist they visit Nigeria twice a year your Excellency. They are
completely out of touch. Just imagine, I had to suggest to them to
phone the Chief of Army Staff and the Inspector General of Police to
send troops to come and clear the road for us. Rather than act, they
sat there looking at me with eyes so wide open they almost popped out
of their sockets. Then one obsequious fool explained that 'things don't
work that way here, sir'. 'How do you know, have you ever tried', I
asked him.

I did not fare any better on my first day on the job, your Excellency.
The first thing on my agenda was to present my letters of accreditation
to President Thabo Mbeki. Regrettably, I left arrangements to our boys
in the embassy. Their shoddy handling of the airport situation should
have taught me a lesson! I had expected them to rent a white horse and
a crowd of at least one hundred singing and drumming Nigerians to form
a procession. I was going to ride the white horse through the streets
of Pretoria , all the way to Union Building , with our people singing
and drumming. You know, the way we do things back home. What did I get
instead? The Ambassador's official car, a driver and one miserable
aide! At my urging, they had to rent five cars from avis! If I hadn't
insisted, the boys would have done untold harm to Nigeria 's image as
the giant of Africa by having her Ambassador drive to that ceremony in
only one car. No policemen. No soldiers. No siren!

The humiliation continued when we got to Union Building . Only the
official car with the Nigerian flag was allowed in. They wouldn't allow
the rental cars in because they were not accredited. I told my aide to
go and 'see' the appropriate people only to be told by the rude boy
that they don't 'see' people in South Africa . How do you run a country
where you don't 'see' people? How do you get things done? Anyway, the
ceremony went well your Excellency. The only disappointing thing is the
simplicity of the surroundings of President Mbeki. Things were so
simple you had no idea you were in the Presidency. They are not doing
Africa proud at all sir. From what I saw, my estimation is that the
budget that maintains the South African Presidency for a whole year is
approximately the size of the weekly entertainment budget of a Nigerian
Minister or Governor.

My second day on the job was even more frustrating, Mr. President. I
was briefed that we had an application for a new plot of land
languishing at the Pretoria city hall. There is an embassy expansion
project in the pipeline. Apparently, the application has been at city
hall for more than two years because the plot we want happens to be in
a protected green area. My predecessors have had no luck with the
Mayor. Pray, your Excellency, why deal with the Mayor when things could
be accelerated the Nigerian way? So, I phoned the Mayor and
respectfully and politely asked for the name and phone number of his
Godfather. My intention was to 'see' his Godfather and promise him an
oil block allocation in the Niger Delta if he would prevail on his
political godson to alter the Pretoria Master Plan and give us a plot
in the green area. To my surprise, the Mayor told me that he had read
Mario Puzzo's novel but had never seen the movie! These South Africans
are unbelievably backward! When I finally got him to understand what I
meant - after almost an hour of explanations - he laughed
condescendingly and said 'we don't do that in South Africa , Mr.
Ambassador. We cannot alter the city's Master Plan'. Unbelievable,
isn't it? Have these people never heard of Abuja ? So, what exactly do
they do here? What is this idea of people getting elected to political
office without Godfathers? I banged the phone on him. If I had
continued the conversation, I couldn't put it past him to give me the
extraordinary yarn that they also organize elections here without
thugs, guns, and ballot box stuffing.

My nightmare in this country continued last week when I went to the
University of the Witwatersrand in Johannesburg . One of our very
useful boys - an unemployed graduate of the University of Ibadan who
helped organize the shipment of arms and recruited cult members to help
us capture the Oyo state government house for Alhaji Chief Alao Akala -
has decided to quit the political scene in Nigeria and return to his
studies. He emailed to notify me that he has an application for
graduate studies at Wits. Could I please look into it? The boy served
the PDP so diligently and I was inclined to help him. So I went to Wits
last week to see the Registrar. She informed me that they did indeed
receive the boy's application but he did not meet the minimum admission
requirements for graduate studies at Wits. Duh, as if I didn't already
know that before asking to meet with her! I asked if we could come to
an agreement and opened the Ghana-must-go bag I had with me. Crisp
bales of rand notes smiled from the bag. She screamed and sent me out
of her office, claiming that she would have had me arrested if I didn't
enjoy diplomatic immunity. As I did not want to return to Pretoria with
the money, I made one last ditch effort. I phoned the University's
information service and requested to speak with the Registrar's
Garrison Commander. Predictably, nobody had any clue! I gave up on
South Africa at this point. I mean, what kind of country is this?
People get positions and appointments without Godfathers and Garrison
Commanders. I don't understand. Your Excellency, there is really no
place like home. All I would have had to do in Nigeria is place one
phone call to any Vice Chancellor. The boy would end up in the Vice
Chancellor's discretionary admission list with immediate effect.

Your Excellency, these unending insults and indignities are nothing
compared to the stubbornness with which people address me here as Mr.
Ambassador. Nonsense. I've insisted that they use the full list of my
honorifics to no avail. Who would dare leave out anything from this
list in Nigeria - Ambassador, Senator, Doctor, Chief Ahmadu Alli.
Nobody here seems to understand that none of these items can be left
out when addressing me. Mind you, to make things easy for the South
Africans, I've even reluctantly left out all the items that would
compulsorily come after my name in Nigeria - MON, OFR, GCFR, etc etc
etc. Pray, if they can't get a paltry total of four honorific prefixes
right, how are they going to contend with the suffixes?

Your Excellency, it is clear that I am not going to be able to stay
here. I can't function. Their system is completely upside down. May I
humbly request to be posted to Cameroon or Benin Republic ? They are
our neighbours. Years of associating with us have rubbed off them. They
know how things are done. They understand. If the slots in Yaoundé and
Cotonou are not available, I won't mind the UK . The British are far
more tolerant of the way we do things. They see no evil, hear no evil,
and speak no evil in order not to endanger the oil flow. London is far
more amenable to the Nigerian way than Pretoria . I should be able to
function there.

Yours in service to Nigeria ,

Ambassador, Senator, Doctor, Chief Ahmadu Alli,
MON, OFR, GCFR, etc etc etc.

__________________

God first, family second and career third.
www.marykay.com/adanna

@NTB,Alli "must go" already opted out of the ambassadorial appointment and UMYA no send.He accepted the resignation and another person is either there or on the way.Who knows,PDP could be planning a good retirement for the old fox

__________________
IT IS BETTER TO DIE FOR A CAUSE THAT WOULD LIVE THAN TO LIVE FOR ONE THAT WOULD DIE

Nna, I was having a field day at the tone of that letter.

__________________

God first, family second and career third.
www.marykay.com/adanna

Nigeria oh my Nigeria, which one is upside down; the governmental system in Pretoria or Nigeria?.
I wonder what Nigeria would be if they can allow things work out like that, at least SA is part of Africa and all things function to the maximum in a better way.
The Alao Akala thug and the Ghana must go bag tales, OMG.

Very nice one dear and more eye opener to the Nigeria brouhaha in another world.

__________________
I am an eternal excellency, and joy of many generations.

C'mon people, please stop it.

Don't tell me this letter is real.
It's a joke right?

Please!!! ... Somebody just tell me this is just a letter written by somebody to amuse us... Kai.

__________________
Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. -Proverbs 4:7

"When beggars die there are no comets seen;
The heavens themselves blaze forth the death of princes." -William Shakespeare