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Why my marriage to Femi crashed- Funke Kuti speaks
Meeting her for the first time outside the 'shrine' Funke Kuti's appearance draws curiosity. This mother of one with the little girl lost look surely isn't the same as the one who prances seductively on the state in waist beads and skimpy, suggestive loincloth? All where is the 'Shrine' savvy? The lady before you is sweet-faced with a coyish smile and for this interview, the estranged wife of Afro Beat musician, Femi Kuti cuts the picture-of an urban housewife out to lunch with friends.
Funke walked out of her marriage in 2003, a month before their May 8th welding anniversary. And she did so in the heat of the scandal generated by her alleged infidelity to Femi, thanks to some sensational 'evidences' provided by some text messages. Is that the end of her passionate love affairs with Femi whom she married eight years ago against all odds? Was she indeed unfaithful? What is the story behind the celebrated text messages? And where does she go from here? Funke recently spoke to Genevieve magazine about her collapsed marriage and how she still longs to go back..
When you sent word that you preferred trousers and long skirts for this photo shoot, and that you do not wear short skirts with slits because you do not like to reveal much, I didn't know what to make of that. I thought, is this not the lady who wears skimpy costumes to dance on stage who is now trying to display a modest dress sense for a magazine shoot, How it That?
(Smiles) I used to be a tomboy when I was much younger, and I always used to wear just trousers. I grew up in trousers. Everybody who knows me knows I'm a jeans person. I just feel more comfortable wearing trousers, and because of that, if I have to wear skirts they have to be the length of trousers. I don't feel too good revealing so much.
But you do reveal quite a lot when you dance!
It's different on stage
How's that?
On stage, comfort is key because of the dance steps, and for easy movement. I actually started wearing short skirts when I started dancing in the band.
When you are not dancing in the band, and you haven't danced for a while now, you prefer to wear...
Jeans, always jeans. I am more of a casual dresser.
How did you become a dancer in Femi's band?
His younger sister, Sola took ill and, for that period, there were only two dancers instead of three and that was a bit awkward. We all thought Sola's illness was going to be just like a week, but it lingered. After a while everyone said, 'Funke, you know the steps why don't you take Sola's place till she gets better? Sola herself was the first to suggest it. On my part, I was like, 'Me on stage? No way! I'll just collapsed!!! Faint!!!' But Yeni (Femi's elder sister) and the others said I shouldn't worry, that it would be all right and the coaching began. So I started dancing, and after every show at the Shrine on Sunday, I would always say to Sola, 'I cant do this for long, so you 'd better get well and dance'. But we didn't know she was going to pass away.... and after she did, I just continued.
How did you overcome your stage fright?
I like to dance ordinarily, but I was all nerves as I got dressed that first time. I just couldn't steady myself........ But by the time I got on stage and the music hit me, I just got inspired and forgot everything else.
What attracted you to Femi? Was it the music, the fame or the hunk?
I think it was more of the hunk thing. I saw him before I knew his music. I'd gone out with my friends that Friday night to Pachinos in Lagos and he was playing jazz there. He just came in with two of his friends. He looked at me and I looked at him and I was alike 'Ah ah, fine guy....!'
It was magical, was it? Was it love at first sight?
I wouldn't say so. I don't believe in love at first sight. For me, love is some thing that builds up gradually. But there was something about that moment. Every time he was playing, I was glued to his face and he was looking at me as well. I was there with my boyfriend, so I would steal a glance at Femi and then quickly turn my face away. Later, Femi made mistake; he wanted to talk to me and he went to ask my boyfriend to introduce me to him. He didn't know the guy was my boyfriend. And that one was like, 'I don't think so. That's my girlfriend!'
But that didn't discourage him?
Not at all. The Kuti's don't give up that easily.
How did the relationship take off from there? And was there any opposition?.
Oh yes, loads of it. At first when Femi started coming to my house, I said, 'No way! I cant (date) Fela's Son'. But because his cousin, Funmi Ransome-Kuti (Beko's daughter), was my best friend, it was easy for him to have access to me. She was always on my case. She would say, 'Funke, my cousin is really nice. He doesn't smoke. He doesn't drink'. And then Femi had this innocent look about him that I could not resist. Gradually everyone in the house started taking to him. But my friends at the University of Lagos didn't like it. They would say, 'Fela's son! How are you going to cope? All those other girls.....!' And I would say to them, 'He's really nice. You guys don't know him.'
It must have been tough?
At the time, he used to come to the campus in a Volkswagen Beetle, and everyone was like 'Beetle, Funke! For God's sake, don't do this to yourself!'. There was a time the Bettle broke down in front of Moremi Hall and I jumped out and joined him in pushing the car. And he said, 'Funke, don't worry. Don't push, I'll push it.' And I said to him, 'I'm not ashamed of pushing this car with you. I'm dating you and there's nothing to be ashamed of.' He told me later that was one of the nicest thing I ever did. People were looking at us in front of Moremi. I didn't even look at anyone. Gradually, the girls started to like him. Everybody saw he was really cool. But it was tough....
And your parents?
Yeah, lots of opposition from the parents.... Everyone thought that he'd probably end up with so many wives. They liked him, but they were afraid of the whole 'Fela thing'.
What was it about him that won them over eventually?
He's just very sweet, very nice. I think by the time they started talking to him, they saw there was really nothing to worry about. He was really cool, down to earth and could mix with anyone.
How about the education? Here you were in the University and Femi has no apologies for the fact that he didn't finish school. Was that an issue?
No. That wasn't an issue.
You dated him for....?
Three years.
Dating him was one thing, but marrying him was another....
Of course, there was still a lot of opposition, but I was like, 'this is what I want to do. I'm the one going into it, you're not the one getting married to him and this is what I want'.
Are you by nature belligerent, stubborn?
No, but I would do what I want to do, no matter whether it is wrong or right. I would do it first, as long as I'm convinced it is the right thing for me, even if I later wished that I should have listened.
What was marriage to Femi like? - the travels, the band, the communal living?
It was a bit difficult for me at first, but after a while I just went with the flow and it became kind of fun. There were always so many people around. There was never a quiet moment and sometimes I just missed having him to myself, but such opportunities were few and far between. Sometimes I got fed up..... With the family setting, we had our own place at the back and it was all right. We'd go inside, we'd come out to the back, and I'm used to a large family, so it was cool. We all got along very well. But it was the external people that were problem. Because Femi is Fela's son, he had all these extra people around him; people who were always hailing him, always hanging around and stuff like that. It was all right, but sometimes I just wanted to be alone with him.
But there was those precious moments when you had him to yourself?
At home, yes, but unfortunately we were not at home a lot. From morning till evening, we'd to the Shrine and by the time we got home, everyone was so tired.
But you still managed to find time to have a baby? You had some party for two at some point obviously?
(Laughs) Oh yeah. I was pregnant in school, in my final year.
Dear, So you took the honeymoon before the wedding?
Yes, I did.
Of course, this convinced people that there was no going back...
That was it. There was no going back. I had my son, Made, in the middle of my final exams. It is one experience I will not forget. I just went for an ante-natal check-up when the doctor told me I was already in Labour. I said to him: 'What Labour? I have a paper at noon. Let me just go quickly, then I will come back and have the child'. I told him I didn't feel anything, that I couldn't miss my exam. He insisted that I should just bring my things from the house and come back to the hospital. When I got back to the house, everybody was there and I was just sitting down calmly reading a newspaper and when someone finally asked me what the doctor said, I answered, 'Nothing much. He only said I'm in labour already.'
What happened next?
Femi's mom was freaking out, so was his grandmother. She was like, 'Don't have the child in this house, you have to go to the hospital!!' I didn't know anything. I didn't know my water had broken... I had the baby, and two day later I went to sit for another paper.
Was it all worth it, getting pregnant before marriage and while in school?
It was. The wedding happened when I was about three months pregnant. Femi wanted to do something really quiet that wouldn't get to his father's hearing. He wanted to do the right thing because I was pregnant. So we went to my village in Ogbomosho and had a quite Registry wedding-with his two sisters, two witness, his best friend, his wife and two of my friends.
So you've been married for....
Eight years
How was your relationship with Femi
It's like a brotherly-sisterly kind of relationship. Femi is like a friend. We'd sit down gossiping about people, it could just be about anything. We didn't have any secretes. If you saw us outside, you'd think... people used to say we look alike a lot and when they say we're brother and sister, I'd say we're husband and wife. We'd play fight, it was really, really nice.
How many years would you say you really had each other and everything was rosy?
Minus the three years of the romancing - the first four or five years, everything was fine.
At what point did things begin to seem like, Oh, this is not the way I'd hoped it would be?
Femi was already popular when I met him, but he wasn't so-o-o large. He had people around him, but it wasn't so bad. About five years into the marriage, he started getting very big internationally, locally and then larger than life. There was all this noise about him. I think that's when it started to get a little too much. There was too much attention on our marriage, and as a very shy person, it got to me, Journalists will tell you that throughout the marriage, I was always running away from interviews.
But your life was like an open book for everyone to read.
It was open, but sometimes I just used to wipe it out of my mind and just got with the flow. Sometimes I craved privacy and just wanted to enjoy quiet moments with my husband. But just at that time all these people would just troop in and surround him and so, there goes the moment....
The media did make a big meal of your separation from Femi and also cast aspersions on your character. Why did you and Femi separate?
I will not go into Femi did this and I did that stuff because I honestly believe there is no marriage that does not have its peculiar set of problems. Where Femi and I have a problem is that we are supposed to be 'celebrities', so everybody wants to know what's happening in our lives. But I personally believe that there's no problem that can't be solved. And right now Femi and I are trying to find out where we went wrong, where we would have done it better or in a different way, or whatever.
But I have to ask you one question. Were you unfaithful in your marriage?
No, I wasn't.
I was at a wedding where the MC made this wisecrack about text messages breaking up homes and someone whispered your name and others just cracked up. I'm interested in the text messages that went between you and your so-called lover.
Lovers! (Laughs). If I start talking, I will start going into all kinds of things and open up all kinds of stories. I don't thing it's necessary.
So how about the lewd text, messages the press fed us with.....
They were exaggerated, and in some case doctored. If I had anything to hide I would have handed over my phone to Femi when he asked about the text messages.
How did Femi get to know about the text messages in the first place?
I don't want to go into details, but as I said, a lot of the stories carried in the media were exaggerated and the text messages made available to the press were doctored.
Who would do that and for what purpose?
There are some things best left unspoken for now.
Are we to expect reconciliation between you and Femi, or is it over? Do you still love your husband?
I love my husband very much.
And your husband still loves you?
I know he loves me very much. A lot happened in the past couple of months, so right now we're just trying to go through everything, see where I went wrong, where he also went wrong, if there's a communication breakdown in a relationship, you can't blame just one person, it's from the two parties. That's where we're at now. We have to go through all these things first before we get back together.
Are we to understand that a peace process is in progress?
Yes, Femi and I are talking and trying to mend fences. But a lot of adjustments would have to be made.
So in the mean time what are you doing with yourself?
Trading, I'm selling Jewellery, Lingerie and female clothing. It's a bit tasking. Nigerians don't like to pay upfront.
When you do go back to Femi, are you still going to be dancing in the band?
No, no, no. It is going to be completely different. I would like to have my own thing where I wake up, go to work and all that. I plan to do some things.. I plan to open a dancing school and I've always wanted to have a salon. So I'm working towards these two this year.
Didn't you think that being a dancer in the band-and a scantily constumed one at that would expose you....?
Yes, I think it did. If I was just Femi's wife, in the background, it wouldn't have been so bad. But when I started dancing, I was coming out a lot.
But people have to understand that performance is different from real life. If suits, aerobics wears and things like that.
What type of image would you like to embrace now? I mean you've had a break and I'm sure you've done a lot of thinking.
I want to be just Funke, just me as I was before-happy mother, wife, not the dancing Funke.
That is not to suggest that you have any regrets about the past, does it?
No, I had so much fun. Travelling was fun, so was meeting people and going to different places. I love dancing. I would have continued dancing till I was old and grey.
Tell us a bit about yourself, about growing up...
I grew up with my mom, Laila, and three sisters (from mom's side). I have seven brothers and sisters from my father's side. I used to shuttle between my mom and my dad when I was much younger. It was a normal childhood-go to school, come back. I went to a lot of primary schools because my father was always being posted. He retired from the army as a Brigadier-General. Now he is Senator Brimo Yusuf.
So growing up was fun?
It was, My mom was very strict though.
I know that she put up a huge fight when you decided to marry....
O yes, a very big fight. Now, she's like, 'You did what you had to do and it's all right.
Has separation from Femi given you a different outlook towards life?
When I was there, everything was just about the house and the Shrine. You don't really know what's happening around you. We didn't mix. Now you come out and you see different things. There's the other side too. Like I'm not dancing anymore, so I don't have an income. I was on a salary then. This is like coming out into the real world. It's like starting all over again.
And do you like the real world?
Not particularly. It's too stressful. "Right now we're just trying to go through everything, see where I went wrong, where he also went wrong, if there's a communication breakdown in a relationship, you can't blame just one person, it's from the two parties."
What was your relationship with Yeni, your sister in law like? We've read so many things about both of you in the papers?
There's no point going into all that. I think everyone should just get on with his or her life. Talking about Yeni means talking about things.... And I have a child to think about, and.... replying articles means we start going back and forth. Right now, there's reconciliation in the air... for Femi and me. And just think, my son has to go to school, he has to face things, and he has to face his teachers-not just for now, but for the future. No, I don't want to go into all that.... I don't even have anything to say about Yeni; that's the funniest thing, you know. But as for whether Femi and I are coming back together, I know eventually, we are.
....as in communal living, or just Femi, you and your son, Made-as a family?
I'm not going to say anything about that (laughter). But let me just say that Femi and I were together for 11 years. When we go married, I was 27, still very young. Now I'm older. For all those years, we were never a married couple in the real sense of it. You know, it wasn't just us. At the beginning... it was fine... because I was young, I adapted. But as I was getting older... I just wanted to be alone with my family. But with Femi, it's a pity, he is Femi Anikulapo Kuti- there are always people around him. So, those are some of the things we're going to work out: Where I can have him and he can have me as well.
You have been in Abuja since your separation. Would you have preferred for your family to be based in Abuja?
Yes! But, it's not possible.
Why?
The Shrine is here. The Shrine is a regular thing and Femi plays every Sunday. It would have been nice for him sometimes, maybe during the week, to get away and then come back on Fridays.
Do you get to see your son, regularly?
Yeah. Femi and I have an all right relationship. Right from the beginning, we were like friends, brother and sister, before anything else. We still have that connection. So, we still talk, I see him. He drops Made off and picks him up when I come to Lagos. Made come comes to Abuja every once in a while once he's on holidays.
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