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Caucasian vs. African-American Church

Discussion in 'Fun Photos, Video, Weird stuff, Jokes' started by NTB, Jun 24, 2008.

  1. NTB

    NTB NR Patrons

    The Average Caucasian Church:

    1. Service and Sunday School are over by 10:30 a.m.

    2. All cars in the parking lot are either new or three years old.

    3. The Pastor delegates his preaching and does not preach every Sunday or every service.

    4. When the Pastor retires, they don't have a problem retiring.

    5. No one leaves the choir during the entire service.

    6. There is only one choir.

    7. Choir rehearsal is only once a month, not every week.

    8. There is children's church every Sunday, not once every six months.

    9. There are 52-inch flat screen TV's posted in the sanctuary, which is where announcements are posted and not read audibly.

    10. No afternoon and night service.

    11. You can't tell the pastor's car because everyone drives a nice car.

    12. Women wear less jewelry because they know less means more.

    13. Communion takes 30 minutes, not two hours.

    14. Communion is packaged together and not served in four gold trays.

    15. Babies are not passed around in church; they sit only with their parents.


    17. Scriptures and bible verses are posted on the FLAT SCREENS IN THE SANCTUARY.

    18. Caucasians know the difference between winter white and summer white.

    19. Mothers feed their kids FRUIT, GRAINS, AND ANIMAL CRACKERS before service.

    20. 80% of the congregation wears real furs in the winter and don't walk in service late to show them off.

    21. IT TAKES TWO DEACONS TO COUNT $10,000+ in offering.

    22. There's only one offering.

    23. 95% of the congregation is married.

    The Average African-American Church:

    1. Service starts at 11 a.m., but 50% of the members arrive at 12:45 p.m.

    2. All the cars in the parking lot have been freshly washed.

    3. The pastor doesn't come out until 45 minutes after service has started.

    4. Only 30% of the choir is on time.

    5. The choir discusses ten minutes over which song to sing.

    6. The choir sings the song, but the musician doesn't know how to play it.

    7. The parents whip the kids during worship.

    8. The audience has to help the announcement clerk pronounce the words on the church bulletin.

    9. T wo of the church deacons have gold teeth or NO teeth!!!!!

    10. The members socialize and speak during the tithes and offering.

    11. When church is over, no one discusses the pastor's message: they just compliment each other's outfits and hair.

    12. Members pay $20, but stand there waiting for $18 in change back.

    13. The single women give each other signals when a handsome guest minister is invited.

    14. You find notes after church that say: 'That's not her hair,' 'Who is that baby daddy?' 'He need to sit down,' 'What you fix for dinner?' 'I know she ain't got that on,' 'Let me borrow $1 for offering'

    15. It takes eight deacons two hours to count $400.

    16. There is a slot on the tithe envelope marked 'Building Fund.'

    17. That afternoon service is either: Choir Day, Usher Day, Or Men and Women's Day (don't forget Youth Day, Education Day, Pastor's Aide Day, Hospitality Day, New Member Day, Church Anniversary Day, Pastor's Anniversary Day, and Revival).

    18. The Pastor's car has either a rag top or rims.

    19. The women have on expensive heels, but have house shoes in their bags.

    20. You see more than five people pass someone gum or a peppermint.

    21. Someone will feed a baby Cheetos, sugar cookies, crackers, or vanilla wafers in the sanctuary.

    22. Men will have on suits in the color of bright yellow, lime green, hot pink, sky blue, and candy apple red with shoes to match.

    23. People will have a $80 bible, but will have to look in the table of contents to find the text of the pastor's message. The great thing is that if you are familiar with any of these examples, then at least you are in church.......................

    God Bless You.
    truforia likes this.
  2. truforia

    truforia Film Pros

    "I feel a SHOUT comin' on!"

    You forgot the ATM in the lobby.

    :460: :musik35: :1244: :ringed :yellow:
  3. mimi victor

    mimi victor Master Group

  4. paj


    ...Black Church...continued.....
    24.There's a walkthrough metal detector in some..
    25.Those without have a bouncer that pats U down :D
    26.A towing truck parades the lot to enforce proper parking...
    27.The Holy Communion is made of KoolAid,Purple "flavor"...:cool:
    28.There's a flyer for an Afterparty slipped between the pages of the "programme"...smokin:
    29.Part of the announcement reveals when the new Game CD be out..and y'all should 'cop it and support a bruva'...:spiny:
    30.Sandwiches @ the annual cookout are made wiff Govt Cheese...smokin:
  5. ilammie

    ilammie Master Group

    tuforia that is so true. the reason for the atm machine you cannot tell the pastor that you cannot throw your offering because you could not reach to a bank machine.
  6. Aust_nne

    Aust_nne Well-Known Member

    this is not funny..but FUNNNNNY...hahahahahahahahhahaha
  7. Benin

    Benin Master Group

    As an African-American.. I highly disapprove of this Post. I've been to many African-American churches and none of them were like that. Perhaps you may be speaking of those in the deepest part of the Ghettos, I've heard some of them can be off the chain. I've also been to several majority white churches and they all were boring as hell, at least the AA ones are entertaining and keep you involved. Though one thing is for sure, and that is we love to show up to church with some expensive, fancy outfits on, and don't even think about leaving the serves without first giving up some offerings. I've even been to one in were they divided the church up and had a $100 offerings line, a $75 offerings line, a $50 one and a ten and five dollar one.
  8. paj


    ..ok then...make I add Naija church too abi?
    1.When U go Oyibo church and dem begin pass plate,the choir plays a tune while the pastor simply takes a seat.....for Naija church..that's when the Pastor stays on the mic/loudspeaker to remind U sey as U dey hold back on what to give na so God go dey hold back ya blessings :D
    2.On fundraising,Oyibo church simply leaves an envelope in the pocket of the chair infront of U,have U donate whatever U can afford @ your own discretion,then the pastor thanks you for your contribution.......for Naija church....before dem begin pass the fundraising plate,pastor go give everybody 10 minutes break to allow those wey 'accidentally' leave money inside their moto to go retrieve am before the contributions begin...
    3.For communion..Oyibo go use real fine wine as dem prescribe am for Bible(mai I no lie....dat na Y I dey go dem church sometimes as Liquor Store no dey open on Sundays for Maryland :D)...but for Naija church..na Lucozade wey dem don wata down dem go use......or Treetop....or if dem wan show off dem go use Crush Orange....
    4.Abeg how come people no dey speak in tongues for Oyibo church na? For Oyibo church pastor go lead in prayer,tell you what to ask God for...and after a minute of silence,he says "In Jesus name"...everybody say "Amen".....but for Naija church...pastor go tell U wetin to ask for...on your marks..get set...and everybody go begin pray aloud...and then allofasudden U go hear somebody begin shout "AAAAAAASHHHHHRAAAAAAABABABABABA" which,if U dey hear am for the first time, makes U pull the brakes on your prayers and go "WTF WAS THAT?"
    5.For Oyibo church,when people pull in their moto dem go just pull in silently...find parking and go in.....but for Naija church...Alaye go blast the latest Wasiu enter lot just to ensure sey U see im new Infiniti....and if U act like U no see am E go slow down,turn the volume down and halla ya name "AAAH..MAN MI..HOW FAR?"..all loud like sey E get sontin important to yan...then after E see sey all the omos don notice am finish,talk sey "WAIT MAKE I GO FIND PARKING..I DEY COME":D

  9. NTB

    NTB NR Patrons

    Benin the same things happens in African churches here and good chunk of the postings can be found in Nigeria. I attended a friend's church in my town last year and low and behold wetin I take ear here. Americans church offering time, 50,000 naria offering and so on and so forth.
  10. paj


    ..that's nothing...a Nigerian pastor that was here as a guest speaker from Nigeria was asking business owners inthe church to approach the altar with $1000 checks in their hands if they wish to receive the blessings of God....and like Mugus some Mumus were getting up following the order..I just laughed...cause to me dat na daylight robbery....na like the guy jazzed dem...I'm sure there are lot of good pastors out there...but folks like these just paint the profession all shades of grey...

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