The Average Caucasian Church: 1. Service and Sunday School are over by 10:30 a.m. 2. All cars in the parking lot are either new or three years old. 3. The Pastor delegates his preaching and does not preach every Sunday or every service. 4. When the Pastor retires, they don't have a problem retiring. 5. No one leaves the choir during the entire service. 6. There is only one choir. 7. Choir rehearsal is only once a month, not every week. 8. There is children's church every Sunday, not once every six months. 9. There are 52-inch flat screen TV's posted in the sanctuary, which is where announcements are posted and not read audibly. 10. No afternoon and night service. 11. You can't tell the pastor's car because everyone drives a nice car. 12. Women wear less jewelry because they know less means more. 13. Communion takes 30 minutes, not two hours. 14. Communion is packaged together and not served in four gold trays. 15. Babies are not passed around in church; they sit only with their parents. 16. MEN DRESS IN POLO AND DOCKERS. 17. Scriptures and bible verses are posted on the FLAT SCREENS IN THE SANCTUARY. 18. Caucasians know the difference between winter white and summer white. 19. Mothers feed their kids FRUIT, GRAINS, AND ANIMAL CRACKERS before service. 20. 80% of the congregation wears real furs in the winter and don't walk in service late to show them off. 21. IT TAKES TWO DEACONS TO COUNT $10,000+ in offering. 22. There's only one offering. 23. 95% of the congregation is married. The Average African-American Church: 1. Service starts at 11 a.m., but 50% of the members arrive at 12:45 p.m. 2. All the cars in the parking lot have been freshly washed. 3. The pastor doesn't come out until 45 minutes after service has started. 4. Only 30% of the choir is on time. 5. The choir discusses ten minutes over which song to sing. 6. The choir sings the song, but the musician doesn't know how to play it. 7. The parents whip the kids during worship. 8. The audience has to help the announcement clerk pronounce the words on the church bulletin. 9. T wo of the church deacons have gold teeth or NO teeth!!!!! 10. The members socialize and speak during the tithes and offering. 11. When church is over, no one discusses the pastor's message: they just compliment each other's outfits and hair. 12. Members pay $20, but stand there waiting for $18 in change back. 13. The single women give each other signals when a handsome guest minister is invited. 14. You find notes after church that say: 'That's not her hair,' 'Who is that baby daddy?' 'He need to sit down,' 'What you fix for dinner?' 'I know she ain't got that on,' 'Let me borrow $1 for offering' 15. It takes eight deacons two hours to count $400. 16. There is a slot on the tithe envelope marked 'Building Fund.' 17. That afternoon service is either: Choir Day, Usher Day, Or Men and Women's Day (don't forget Youth Day, Education Day, Pastor's Aide Day, Hospitality Day, New Member Day, Church Anniversary Day, Pastor's Anniversary Day, and Revival). 18. The Pastor's car has either a rag top or rims. 19. The women have on expensive heels, but have house shoes in their bags. 20. You see more than five people pass someone gum or a peppermint. 21. Someone will feed a baby Cheetos, sugar cookies, crackers, or vanilla wafers in the sanctuary. 22. Men will have on suits in the color of bright yellow, lime green, hot pink, sky blue, and candy apple red with shoes to match. 23. People will have a $80 bible, but will have to look in the table of contents to find the text of the pastor's message. The great thing is that if you are familiar with any of these examples, then at least you are in church....................... God Bless You.