Cold feet...

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paj

Well-Known Member
#1
..guy has known chick for 8 years....she's in her mid 30's...after so long they set a date to marry...4 months to the wedding..bobo is catching cold feet.....what would you tell him?
 

Sola

Administrator
Staff member
#2
After keeping her off the market for 8yrs? Keeping her away from all other potentials for 8yrs? Cold feet? Is he crazy or looking to be stoned?
 

kolinzo

Well-Known Member
#3
The girl should just plead with him o. I mean getting married is not easy for some guys so when he develops cold feet you make sure they become warmed feet.
 

Gen Sani Abacha

Well-Known Member
#4
..guy has known chick for 8 years....she's in her mid 30's...after so long they set a date to marry...4 months to the wedding..bobo is catching cold feet.....what would you tell him?
Shay the bebi get family ? If she has, then I think they should pay the bobo a 'visit', to clarify the situation.

On the other hand, methinks why did the guy stay in the relationship for so long if he wasn't ready to marry her ?
Did he just enjoy the benefits of having her while not making a commitment to her ?
 

kaymax

Well-Known Member
#6
Shay the bebi get family ? If she has, then I think they should pay the bobo a 'visit', to clarify the situation.

On the other hand, methinks why did the guy stay in the relationship for so long if he wasn't ready to marry her ?
Did he just enjoy the benefits of having her while not making a commitment to her ?
You see, from the POV of a man. As I always say, if after a year, the guy is not proposing marriage, please step if you're looking for marriage. A man will know if he wants you after six months to a year, anything longer than that, there is a risk.

As for the question, if he hasn't married her by now and he's getting cold feet, she should just chuck this on up to her own stupidity because if she tries to persuade him, she will be in this same situation 5 years later or in an extremely unhappy marriage.
 

ssergit

..still The Drama Queen!
#7
After keeping her off the market for 8yrs? Keeping her away from all other potentials for 8yrs? Cold feet? Is he crazy or looking to be stoned?
sometimes sha, that cold feet should be taken seriously O. Because single and happy is better than married and miserable. We have said that here so many times on this site.

I want to say, she should gauge very well..... I have a friend who dated for 17 years from when they were teenagers (on an off, she got married, divorced (with a kid) and they got back again and they finally got married.....5 months of marriage and they are on their way to the divorce court! In her words: DATING HIM WAS BETTER THAN MARRYING HIM! As there was that mystery and expectation to something....
I have spent the better part of this month counseling and begging them to stay and give it a shot! And my conclusion is that: IF one has that nagging fear or cold feet, LOOK INTO it! Because seeing a little girl cowering and shivering in one corner two weeks ago because her mother and step dad were fighting broke my heart!!! I know that girl would be damaged for life mentally about marriage!


And as a married woman now, with other married women finally opening up to how marriage really is, now I do understand why married women don't make friends with single girls or cut off from their single friends....they prefer women that 'would understand' with them. Believe me, I am shocked at the friends now who say things about marriage that I am like "WHAT!!??" I thought your marriage was perfect! lolol

8 years, 20 years, one month, ....HAPPINESS is and should be the ultimate goal! Like one of my aunties told me about 15 years ago....Better 10 break ups than 1 divorce! I've seen young divorced people who hurt endlessly! especially when there are kids in the picture! it is NOT easy!

They should re evaluate and make up their minds and see if they should date a little bit more.....or, if they need to agree/disagree on certain things BEFORE finally taking that huge step!
 

ssergit

..still The Drama Queen!
#8
Shay the bebi get family ? If she has, then I think they should pay the bobo a 'visit', to clarify the situation.

On the other hand, methinks why did the guy stay in the relationship for so long if he wasn't ready to marry her ?
Did he just enjoy the benefits of having her while not making a commitment to her ?
Good question!

8 years is damn toooooo long for anyone to decide on marriage abeg! I have never cosigned for long dating sha ....to me, 6 months, one year max should be enough for any adult to know if they can live with anyone!

Maybe, the guy finally proposed out of pity! For the wasted years! And she may be getting into it for the sake of 'What would people say? if he leaves her after 8 years!"

This calls for some HONEST family or marriage counselor intervention!! Before we read about a messy divorce from them!
 

ssergit

..still The Drama Queen!
#9
You see, from the POV of a man. As I always say, if after a year, the guy is not proposing marriage, please step if you're looking for marriage. A man will know if he wants you after six months to a year, anything longer than that, there is a risk.

As for the question, if he hasn't married her by now and he's getting cold feet, she should just chuck this on up to her own stupidity because if she tries to persuade him, she will be in this same situation 5 years later or in an extremely unhappy marriage.
ah, i posted same thought before I read your post! :-)..... I marvel at women who date men for one, 3, 5, 7 years and wonder why he is not proposing!!! Why would a man buy a cow he is milking for free!!!!???? haba!!!

women sometimes act stupid! All that 'I will know him better when we date longer' is CRAP! People change all the time!

A loving man today who has small money can turn into a demon tomorrow when broke! a man that is faithful today with $30,000 in his account could turn into a super playboy when he gets $30,000,000,000 in his account! There are so many things that could change a man! so, why do women think they can ever understand a man totally after a certain number of years???

This is why I love that TV show 'Dharma & Greg"...they met same day and married same day and were HAPPY!!! Everyday was fun to them in discovering one another.... Mutual respect and commitment to make a marriage work from BOTH parties is the key to the success of a marriage!

If she begs him, or her family beg him or his family coerces him into it, something may happen tomorrow and he will say "shebi, I didnt want to marry you, they talked me into it'....blah blah blah
 

kaymax

Well-Known Member
#11
The girl should just plead with him o. I mean getting married is not easy for some guys so when he develops cold feet you make sure they become warmed feet.
PLEAD with him? For What? Abeg tell me O! If marriage is not easy for you, then you're not ready, shouldn't have wasted the girls' time for that long and the girl should not have allowed him to.
If she begs him, or her family beg him or his family coerces him into it, something may happen tomorrow and he will say "shebi, I didnt want to marry you, they talked me into it'....blah blah blah
If they beg, they DESERVE everything they get. Haba, I'm all for marriage, however, it's not the end all of all end all. People make too much fuss about this marriage thing, because of marriage, one should lose all wits and sense of dignity and self respect. Lai Lai. As matter of fact, the girl should count herself lucky at this point and RUN like Forest!!! Run Forest, Run.....
 
#13
Cold feet ko, cold feet ni! I am sure all his cold feet has not prevented him once from still having sex with this woman, abi? I am sure he's still eating her food, accepting all the words of encouragement and support, wearing clothes she's probably laundered and iron? He's going places with her and looking like a responsible human being, shebi? And then he opens his mouth to talk $h*t after 8yrs about some cold feet...tell that dude that it's his heart that is cold, not his feet!

And home girl needs her head checked if she does want to be married and she hung in there for 8yrs as if she couldn't find some other person. Some women sef! If she wanted to marry and accepted this man's indecision for this amount of time, I no go blame the bobo since after all she gave permission to this eba ebot that seems to need prodding.
 

sidney

Well-Known Member
#14
I don't get this marriage thing.... Is it a must?

I guess the answer is yes, if you follow African cultures or religious doctrines..
 

sidney

Well-Known Member
#15
Cold feet ko, cold feet ni! I am sure all his cold feet has not prevented him once from still having sex with this woman, abi? I am sure he's still eating her food, accepting all the words of encouragement and support, wearing clothes she's probably laundered and iron? He's going places with her and looking like a responsible human being, shebi? And then he opens his mouth to talk $h*t after 8yrs about some cold feet...tell that dude that it's his heart that is cold, not his feet!

And home girl needs her head checked if she does want to be married and she hung in there for 8yrs as if she couldn't find some other person. Some women sef! If she wanted to marry and accepted this man's indecision for this amount of time, I no go blame the bobo since after all she gave permission to this eba ebot that seems to need prodding.
While I agree with mostly everything you have said in the second paragraph, I don't understand this statement, nor most of your first paragraph....

Does having sex immediately equate to the need or want to be married? Was everything she did for him predicated on the notion that he was going to marry her? He very well may love and respect her, but does not want to be "married".... I am not sure what is actually wrong with that.

I have issue with him accepting, then later getting cold feet. That's BS. Be a man and make a firm decision on which direction you want and be clear to her about your long term intentions.
 
#16
While I agree with mostly everything you have said in the second paragraph, I don't understand this statement, nor most of your first paragraph....

Does having sex immediately equate to the need or want to be married? Was everything she did for him predicated on the notion that he was going to marry her? He very well may love and respect her, but does not want to be "married".... I am not sure what is actually wrong with that.

I have issue with him accepting, then later getting cold feet. That's BS. Be a man and make a firm decision on which direction you want and be clear to her about your long term intentions.

Love the highlighed portion of your comment

I didn't mean to be unclear. this is where my thinking was headed: sexual intimacy involves emotion on both parts, women and men get caught up and it can sometimes cloud judgements. as he is sorting his cold feet, is he still having sex with her, yes I'm pretty sure and how is that helping his or her matter? listen, all those things i mentioned may not predicated on the notion that he was going to marry her but at the same time i don't think she is in a relationship doing all those things that show that besides being of good character, she's also a good partner and helpmate just for doing sake o. i could be wrong but unless a woman doesn't herself want to get married, i don't think she is doing all the things in her relationship not to have her man in whom she has invested say to her, God and her family that he wants to make her his wife especially after 8 years.

i will be the first to say sometimes my thinking can sometimes be very stark black and white about somethings so it may not sit well with everyone.
 

sidney

Well-Known Member
#17
Love the highlighed portion of your comment

I didn't mean to be unclear. this is where my thinking was headed: sexual intimacy involves emotion on both parts, women and men get caught up and it can sometimes cloud judgements. as he is sorting his cold feet, is he still having sex with her, yes I'm pretty sure and how is that helping his or her matter? listen, all those things i mentioned may not predicated on the notion that he was going to marry her but at the same time i don't think she is in a relationship doing all those things that show that besides being of good character, she's also a good partner and helpmate just for doing sake o. i could be wrong but unless a woman doesn't herself want to get married, i don't think she is doing all the things in her relationship not to have her man in whom she has invested say to her, God and her family that he wants to make her his wife especially after 8 years.

i will be the first to say sometimes my thinking can sometimes be very stark black and white about somethings so it may not sit well with everyone.
I think that may be an issue. No woman, or any person for that matter, should ever do anything in any relationship for the sake of some future or pending goal. They should be having sex because they are in love with each other. She could cook for him, if she chooses to do so, because she likes cooking for him. Her want to get married should not alter who she is, as person, in the relationship.

You should do for your partner what you would for no other reward other than the joy of doing that thing for them. If it leads to the man or woman wanting to be with that person in a long term commitment, be it marriage or not, then good. If not, nothing spoil.
 
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