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Discussion in 'LOVE, MARRIAGE, THE SEXES' started by kaymax, Jun 30, 2012.
I dey hia O, Kabeyesi O! wetin be your supreme and final answer?
Hmm. My take is really every group of people have a preconceived idea of what their relationship with someone SHOULD be like but there is no question at all in my mind that the OP knows what she is talking about. The example of the man who was married to a non Nigerian but was okay with her fufilling her dreams but refuses to consider his Nigerian wife having the same things is a classic example. I think Nigerian men for the most part have a hard time accepting that if a woman is totally accomplished outside of the home that she can be as dedicated as a wife and mother. Quite simply a Nigerian woman is expected to sacrifice more.
I don't know how to use the multiple posting thing
@ Sidney I understand where you are coming from with your brother and I remember when you said this in an earlier post I joked and said that the funny thing is that if he tried to treat his wife the way he did his american girlfriends she might even be irritated at it. It makes it seem okay though because she can give as good as she gets. So my question is why do I have to worry abut giving as much as I am getting. Why can't it be simple. Why can't most Nigerian men understand that they are not entitled to having fufilling careers while the woman does not get a chance to be personally fufilled. A woman should not have to prove that she can "handle" the man. In my opinion this is why most Nigerian men that have played the field and come back home think when they decide that they can now marry a Nigerian. The Nigerian woman will typically make huge saccrifices to stay married. Not that other women do not but a lot more is expected from a Nigerian woman.
We cannot even say that it is those bush Nigerian men. The OPs example clearly shows that. A lawyer. Previosuly married to a lawyer. Remarried a lawyer. It is safe to say the man is very educated and exposed. And yet???????
I have seen too many Nigerian females settle because that is the only way they feel they can get by. The fact of the matter is that this is the way Nigerian men reason. I have rarely seen a Nigerian man that remarried up. It is either they decide to go to Nigeria to import a much much younger wife or marry one that is much much younger here in the states that has not yet had a taste of what it feels like to have personal accomplishments. Even when they are lucky enough to marry one that has maybe finished her basic education they do not encourage her to continue.
That to me shows that Nigerian men expect that Nigerian women will settle for less. Oddly enough other African men and American men I have been around do not see Nigerian women the same way. For most none Nigerian men a Nigerian woman is like a trophy.
Yes O! A man wey pay ALL the bills and some definitely EARN 'King Of The Hill' title for house!! But, if the sista gats to work too, that earns her some say in the house! 'African Man' or no African man mentality!
Naija men drool and worship other races more than their own 'home girls'! Especially those in the marriage for Green card! I have seen full grown naija men who act like Odegwu The Lion Warrior turn into TOTAL SISSY in front of their Akata or Oyibo! VERY PATHETHIC sight indeed! Hissss
Sifu, you make too much sense for this ya post, BUT there are a few naija men that actually marry up and expect too much!
Without me giving TMI of my married life, let me say that my hubby gets on my nerves sometimes when all he wanna talk about is business business business and MY business, at that!! And he is a very BUSY man too! Just 2 months here and he thinks I am 'relaxing' too much! My dear, honeymoon he says was over after 2 weeks! lolol. That the main honeymoon would be with our white wedding.
I like it, I feel blessed that I have someone that cheers me and pushes me forward, but, I ACTUALLY psyched myself that I was going to take liek 6 months OFF to REST! Una know say I never take any vacation since I started EC!
Seriously, he makes me feel like I lazy now, IMAGINE! Workaholic ME!!! Walahi, I have had to one day change my laptop screen sharp sharp and flipped to the EC Powerpoint presentation I was supposed to be working on, so he wouldn't see that I was writing here on NR! :roll
So, here I have a hubby that wants me to be BETTER! And yes, he is still an African Man to the core in other areas.
And I think back when I was dating white men, one of the reasons I said big NO to my last BF's proposal is because he actually asked me to close my facebook account that I had 'too many friends'! The one before had issues with me traveling a lot! He thought I was too pretty and successful and that one African Prince would sweep me off away from him 'someday'!
So, you see, this matter of men that encourage their wives to be the best at their careers is an individual thing and has nothing to do with race. #MyPersonalOpinion/Experience.
I'll choose this Bini man again over and over again, because he lets and pushes me to be the BEST at what I do!
Una no see say I don 'tame' down? lolol. And that is because my career that I have been married to all these years is not threatened right now.....you get what I mean?
And this is the last time I spill any TMI on my married life O! Make una enjoy this one and only Too Much Info! lolol
As if na me ask you to spill this one. LOL. No one is saying though that it is all Nigerian men that have these unrealistic expections. All I am saying is that typically that is how it goes. I know Edo men that like Igbo women specifically because they feel Igbo women are very industrous. Be happy because it seems your husband liked that about you. I think that is the best case scenario for craze person like you
Personally, I deal with everything on face value. Anyway, if a Yoruba man is dealing with a Yoruba woman, he is expecting her to have certain quality(ies), most of the time it is her cultural value will be scrutinized.
Let's put marriage aside, most of us foreigners know what to expect from other known cultures. For example when you are dealing with an American you have a very good idea of what is to come, vice versa. We basically have different values. Now let's get back to marriage/relationship: when you are dealing with a different race/ethnicity your mindset is different to that of dealing with your own race/ethnicity, unless you are lying to yourself.
Now, adding the above, a Naija man will expect a Naija woman to possess the quality of a Naija woman (assuming they are from the same tribe). Where the problem starts is when the woman has a changed view and start to exhibit the quality(ies) of the other society. That's when you hear "this is America," "this is London," etc. Now a Naija guy will feel disrespected because he is never used to that kind of treatment back home or was not raised in that hostile enviroment. Therefore, some of these Naija guys would rather deal with the people from that society that you and I already think act certain way than to deal with Naija lady who is acting foreign.
I see, so in other words, if I understand you correctly, instead of working with someone from his own tribe, because of his expectations, he'd rather be 'disrespected' by someone 'foreign'? Please, don't take that that I am being sarcastic, just merely trying to understand the double standard. For example, you would rather deal with a different cultural group than deal with a Nigerian that may have some western values but still understands you and where you're coming from?
I dont think it's that simple ..I think several dynamics play different roles here and it all depends on who U meet and what U/they are willing to accept.Some people simply dont speak up,while some speak-ask their partners/lovers to 'take it or leave it' so when U see 'things happening' dont assume that either parties are oblivious to what you see.In the case of the lawyer lady who's husband wont let her start her own practise,I can almost guarantee U that the circumstances within both households are not the same..hence while one husband stands firm behind his wife and is encouraged to support her,the other stands in her way because he sees/foresees some sort of a threat..so..different dynamics play into these things..as Unique as relationships are,so will be the scenarios played into them..
just to stress my point..one guy will marry a Naija woman..refuse to "accept" her "nonsense",divorce her,marry another one,then he'll be accepting the same nonsense he didnt alllow from the first one..why?
I think the guy man may have become dispirited and defeated in the old relationship. He no longer has the stomach to fight the new wife.
The lady pleases him in other ways(not neccessarily in bed o) such that that 'nonsense' he complained about in his old wife is no longer an issue with the new wife.
Wow, thanks guys, these are some really great insights.