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The Thin Line Between Love and Excesses

Discussion in 'LOVE, MARRIAGE, THE SEXES' started by blackpearl, May 31, 2012.

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  1. blackpearl

    blackpearl oloju come and do

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    When I was younger I truly believed I was adopted because I felt my mother was the most wicked woman on earth. I knew that everything I had was a privilege and nothing I had was as a result of “entitlement”. If I misplaced my water bottle in school she would make me go for weeks without another one till I learned that “you don’t pluck the money for things from the tree behind the house”. It was a harsh lesson, but it was one I learnt. I knew that if I worked hard at school, I’d get something special for the holiday.

    Today, I look back and I think “Damn! Parenting is hard work!” I can’t imagine how much it would have broken her heart for her daughter to yell “I hate you. You’re not my mother” at her (of course the one and only time I tried that I knew the meaning of PAIN from koboko!)

    Parenting is HARD and I can’t even begin to imagine how much harder it is now in 2012. This is the age of advanced technology. The age of the Ipad and Nintendo Wii.

    If you’re a parent, it takes the special grace of whatever deity you call upon in the quiet solitude of your bedroom to do a good job.

    Two weeks ago, my 12 year old niece (what’s the English word for “Cousin’s daughter”) came to visit me and during our ‘catching up’ session she talked about how she was looking forward to the holidays because she was going to fix the Indian hair her mother had just ordered for her. My mouth opened in shock. Where was I supposed to begin from? The entire conversation oozed of a sense of entitlement. I asked a friend of mine what she thought about the issue of buying expensive hair for pre-teens and her response was even more shocking. Her 13 year old had asked her if she could get a new phone when school resumes in September because his friends were all using the new Blackberry Bold 5. She promptly reminded her that the only reason he had the phone in the first place was so that he could call the driver when he was running late. If he pushed his luck she was going to pull that phone. It got me thinking how do we balance the desire to make arrangements that work and minimize the risk of the child feeling that he just needs to want it and it’s readily available.

    I’m trying to be really open minded here and I’m trying to understand how best to raise the next generation of well behaved, hardworking Nigerians.

    Are we spoiling our children? How do we ensure that our kids are not those kids we all cringe at when we see them behaving in an unruly manner at a party. Are we simply moving with the times? What is the yardstick for determining when it is alright for your kids to own some things? How do we give our kids the best while instilling in them the need to WORK hard for that money.

    What is love and what is an excess?

    BN Hot Topic: The Thin Line Between Love and Excesses | Bella Naija
     
  2. noone

    noone Guest

    Thanks Blackpearl for posting this...just read it myself on BN...was going to comment there but for the life of me, NR is the only place I can feel free and be myself to comment on just about anything...

    Anyway, to the topic...where to begin?
    Pray, pray, pray,
    Grace and Wisdom of God, Grace and Wisdom of God, Grace and Wisdom of God
    Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries
    Communication, communication, communication
    Humour, humour, humour
    Routine, routine, routine
    Understanding, understanding, understanding,
    Loving Mindless Behaviour, loving Mindless Behaviour, Loving Mindless Behaviour
    Enjoy playing Call of Duty, Enjoy playing Call of Duty, Enjoying playing Call of Duty
    Make them accountable to others(that you trust), Make them accountable to others(that you trust),Make them accountable to others(that you trust)...

    Long list ...because your life can never be the same once you become a parent and be wary of short cuts! Phew...okay...I'll leave room for others...
     
  3. blackbutterfly

    blackbutterfly Well-Known Member

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    I have a friend who constantly tells me that he feels his parents didn't prepare him for real world living because their mentality was that they came here without much so they wanted to give them everything they wanted and needed, they didn't even allow him to work a summer job, they sheltered he and his sister so when it came time to go out into the world, he felt that they had a hard time adjusting. The parents over compensated. I cosign with Tam-Tam - parents need to communicate, set boundaries and structured routine. The children need to be held accountable for their actions, they need to earn some of these expensive things they want instead of just getting it on a whim. Parenting no be easy work.
     
  4. mimi victor

    mimi victor Well-Known Member

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    This questions scare me to death all the time I am looking at the future with the way we are forced to raise kids in this foreignland. Hm hm hm Waiting to read moreo.
     
  5. Sifu

    Sifu Well-Known Member

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    And may I add follow through. I think most kids nowadays just have this sense of entitlement. I don't buy christmas gifts. Not that there is anything wrong with it but I don't believe that you just get a gift because it is dec 25th. I cannot tell you how many people look at me like I am depriving my children of something because I do not do the gifting thing. Go to grocery stores during easter. It is all marketed towards chldren. It is just ridiculous. Children get things for absolutely no good reason. People pay their kids to put away their toys, do their homework etc. The boys are gettng older so I plan on finding fun activities for us to do around the Christmas holiday but an Xbox aint on that list. May God help all of us o.
     
  6. tunmi

    tunmi Active Member

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    Sifu, I thought I was the only one. I don't see the point of buying gifts because it's a particular day, except on birthdays and graduation (college not HS). It's ridiculous. I remember we decorated the house and cooked and shared with our neighbors and dressed up and watched cartoons and sang Christmas songs. No gifts and that thing still annoys me till today. I'm still a kid but I would have to say communication is important.

    I still remember watching "To Kill a Mockingbird" and I wanted to be a parent like Atticus Finch (plus my own parents), I wanted to have that combo. We were not spoiled and while my parents, as Nigerian as they were, did not really do a lot of talking to us not "at" us, there was no sense of entitlement. I think each parent has to find the right balance somewhere. Environment is a big factor but as commercialized as US can be, I still prefer raising kids here because children are not treated as ornaments. They are talked to not at and they get opportunities to grow as individuals.

    But what the hell is a 12 year old doing with weave??? or even a blackberry sef???
     
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