Zubairu! Are you dead?

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Zubairu! Are you dead?

Am I not answering this telephone call?

Technology, my friend! Voice may be that of Jacob yet the body that of Esau!

Are you still referring to the same yam porridge scenario?

Paul I know, Barnabas I know, who are you?

This is AB Kpokponki transmitting with an inter-hyper kariability above the sea level! Dayses be long!

May you walk and never stumble.

The gods are wise!

My friend, enough of palmwine jingoism; are you dead?

You answer that question yourself!

Look aboki-na-mu, there’s nothing kpa-pka wrong with people being dead! I am the father of this nation so even if you are dead or alive, no wahala! If you are alive, you are still going! If you are dead, you are also still going!

Impossible! How can I be dead and be the president of an-alive nation?

It is easy. I will rewrite the constitution and create for you, the ghost president!

Too late. Sani is already handling that office now!

You make me laugh! Ask Sani who put him there! Am I not the one who send ghost EFCC on people’s axxes? Who put Prof. Iwuruwuru to manipulate all those high-neck elections?

Tell, how will you do it?

His office let another take! Are you dead?

Didn’t you ask the same question three years ago?

Did you answer this question three years ago?

I did! Did I not offer myself for an “orange-squash” challenge? Did anybody, living or dead, step to compete with me?

Of course you know it was fruitless competing with you. You were neither here nor there. Nobody knew where you were? Who wants to compete with unseen competitor? Fruitless! If you ask me, I’d say it’s worse than “banana peels”.

“Banana peels”? Where were you before then? Were you not in prison!

Ask Nelson Mandela! We are the ones from prison to presidency! I deh kampe o! That is “fruitfull”!

Fruity-ko! Chivita-ni! Was that why so many “Five Alive” packs were stacked into so many Ghana-Must-Go and dumped deep in the trunks of law makers singing “third term”?

Slippery when wet! We call it politi-tricks! Answer the question: Are you dead?

If you think people in Germany are all in hell, I am dead in Wiesbaden!

The press reported your cough!

You offered the presidential jet and I wasn’t even the president!

Right now, where is the presidential jet? Because these days I only hear of presidential ambulance!

The presidency has no ambulance, you loud mouth! That ambulance is from Zaudi King!

Zubairu, my phone is on speaker o! I am at a campaign and the masses are listening!

If this is also televised I want Channels reporters out of there now!


Why not? Mother-four-cars reporting my death while I’m still alive! Is that not why you are calling?

There’s also a radio station here: It is called BBC!

BBC? As in British Broadcasting Coup-operation?


What language is the reporter speaking?

What other language beside the usual? All Britiko reporters speak the same language.

Hausa kwo?

Na so we see am o! Are you dead?

Don’t tribalise this now! Remember Elisabeth Isichei? Is she not British? Yet, she is a professor of Igbo! A British woman teaching Igbo people their Igbo at Uniport! What has anyone said about that?

What’s the big deal? After all Honourable is teaching people Igbo over the Internet! Are you dead?

In three years you will hear my answer on BBC!


I will travel to Saudi to inaugurate a private nursery-primary school for them!

Ah-ah! But your own universities are on strike for like 6 months!

6 months? Kai! Nobody told me o! Who's the minister of education sef?

How long will you be in Saudi?

I will go for a 90-day-point agenda! Only 3 months!

You will inaugurate another country’s kindergarten for 3 whole months?

And so?

You mean you will not hand over? Who will then go to the UN summit for our foreign policy?

Is Mojoh not there?

Mojoh? Who the mother-four-car is Mojoh?


But he is not a president! He’s not even the vice! He is not acting anything! You think Obama will take him seriously and want to talk to him?

That “dan-iska” Obama? Is it not the same Obama who over-fly my head and visited Ghana? And then told that “mamiwota” secretary of states to come here and abuse my kwantiri? And now they kidnap that little boy, “Abudumarruk” saying he is carrying bomb inside his abuna! Dan kwaya kawai!!

Zubairu! You talk like you are dead o! Many people are saying you are dead! Are you dead?

I know the people who are saying that! For example Professor Ogun!

Who is Professor Ogun?

That white-afro-hair man that keeps writin big-big English till white people get confused and bribe him with nobel! HAve you not read his books? What can you understand in "The Interpreters", or “Mad Man and Motor Cyclists” or “The Trials of Brother Jonathan”. Now I can see how he and others are pushing the patience of my assistant, Doctor Goodie-Goodie!

Goodie-Goodie? Who's that? And he's got patience? What are you talking about? The issue at stake is the manner you pulled that James Bond arrival stunt - by way of Nicodemus! That is not PDP! That sheet is not PDP, knee-gar! Four battalions of soldiers pass midnight all over the airport?

Who told you I pulled the stunts, BBC?

Iif not you, who then pulled the stunts?

Behind every successful man, there is a woman!

Soldiers and ammunition despatched without the knowledge of Doctor G?

Dont't bring Mama G into this abeg! Don’t even blame it on Mama G!

Who is Mama G?


What? You think I am impatient?

Then try and be patient!

You think I am not running out of being patient?

Do you axx-wholes even realise I am the mother-four-king patient in this mother-four-car!

Are you dead?

Oh! Shot the four-cup!
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